


This Wasn't Supposed To Be Your Tragedy

by Khalyssa



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Character Death, Gen, Graphic depictions of violence - Freeform, I'll add characters as I add them to the story, I'm rating this teen audience right now but I may change that later, Lot's of personal headcannons about how things could happen, Particularly touka, Some characters out of Character, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, There may be implied feelings between charcters, but clearly this is mostly not to be completely accurate to the story, but it is for a reason, but none definitive, character injury, ghoul!Hide, tokyo ghoul - Freeform, you can decide as a reader what you see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-04-04 15:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4143666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khalyssa/pseuds/Khalyssa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki regains his body, and Haise is no more. Upon regaining his body, Kaneki finds that things have changed; everything from who he thought of as allies, to his own best friend. Nothing was as it had been, and the changes were overwhelming, particularly for Hide who had been turned into a half ghoul, thrusting him into the same hell Kaneki had experienced a few years prior. It would be a long road before Kaneki and his companions could set things straight. Kaneki vows to do a better job at protecting those he cares about this time around with his second chance, but it won't be easy. </p><p> </p><p>"His head hurt. He couldn’t think straight. He had always been able to keep the monster in his head at bay before. This time he couldn’t. He could feel it creeping closer. Calling out, screaming that it needed help. That the monster was suffering too. The voice was growing louder and louder. Calling out that it should not be ignored. No, couldn’t be ignored. He had to help it. Yes, he had to. That is how he would calm it down. How he would get the pain to end."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue (The Birth of a Monster)

**Author's Note:**

> I will be sure to keep any sort of warnings updated. As well as the rating of the fic. Be prepared for some OOCness but I promise it's in good taste. My plans for the future of this fic are sad. So as you get into it prepare for this not to be full of happiness and fluff. I can't promise happy endings for everyone.  
> Hope some of you like this :3 It's my first TG fanfic.  
> I have never used AO3 before. sorry for awkward formatting.

His head hurt. He couldn’t think straight. He had always been able to keep the monster in his head at bay before. This time he couldn’t. He could feel it creeping closer. Calling out, screaming that it needed help. That the monster was suffering too. The voice was growing louder and louder. Calling out that it should not be ignored. No, couldn’t be ignored. He had to help it. Yes, he had to. That is how he would calm it down. How he would get the pain to end. 

He was curled up on the floor, holding his head in his hands, trying to keep his mind from shattering. His eyes were blood-shot, his kakugan showing. His rinkaku kagune was splayed out behind him, twitching as he did as he rocked back and forth. At least no one was there to see him like this. No one he loved or respected was there to watch him fall to pieces.

He hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye. He knew it was his end. He couldn’t fight the beast anymore. The monster in his mind had won, he knew it. But he wanted to buy some time. Just in case. Just in case someone came and found him. Maybe they could help him. He didn’t want to be gone forever. He wanted to continue to exist. But he knew the monster in him would push him out completely, not try to coexist like he had for so long.

He should never have allowed that. He could have gotten rid of the monster ages ago. But instead he had let the monster grow strong. Much stronger than he himself was. He had been so stupid. So very very stupid. He had bought into the creatures tricks. Into every last helpless plea. And now it was killing him.

He hadn’t even noticed he was screaming.

He hadn’t even noticed that he was digging hi snails into his palms so hard he was bleeding.

His kagune was thrashing around without his permission.

And oh god, was he in pain. It tore through his body in waves. It ripped through his mind as well, and he let his thoughts start to fall apart.

Suddenly, everything that was in his mind, had stopped. He was no more.

His body stilled briefly, and his breathing evened out. The beast inside his mind had taken his body back.

The beast stood up and rolled his shoulders, testing out the body he had not occupied in years. Everything was still intact. Nothing was missing. It was a bit, out of shape, but he could fix that. He lifted his hand and popped one knuckle. And then two.

“It was nice knowing you, Haise,”the monster murmured, starting to smirk. “But, all things must come to an end sometime, mustn't they. Just like a flower, everything wilts. I know, you were happy,” he continued to no one but himself now, “but,” he started to laugh, a loud, crackling crazed laugh, “it’s time for me to have my fun. I’ve waited long enough and put up with your bullshit. You’re childish and pathetic ways disgusted me. No one but a fool would have worked like a pathetic pawn for so long. I need to set shit right.”

He retracted his kagune, and tamed his kakugan and straightened out his appearance.

_Hmm, none of this is really my taste, he thought, fidgeting with his collar, but it will do for now. I need to find Hide. Find out if Touka and Himani are ok. Hell I even need to check on Tsukiyama, make sure that bastard hasn't gone off the deep end._

He had to keep up the appearance of Haise for a while longer. He concluded that it couldn’t be too hard, he had been in Haise’s head for years.

It was with that Kaneki was reborn. He had come back from the grave, and this time, this time he swore on his life, he would keep his friends safe. He couldn’t fail them again.

“I will not watch anyone else I care about die. Never again. Even if it means I am the one who hurts others, it won’t matter if I don’t fail my friends this time.” He clenched his fist and with a new resolve, stepped out the door and into the hallway, ready to restart his life.

 

 


	2. One (A Friend Lost, a Friend Found)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki Is back, and Suzuya knows it.

“Damnit,” Kaneki mumbled as he wandered the halls. He knew a lot about Haise from being in his head, but he hadn’t exactly gotten a chance to memorize the layout of the CCG. He found himself relying on things he overheard others say, and poor attempts at hunting down doors that he knew should have existed from what he gathered with haise’s thoughts. It wasn’t long before he quite literally collided with Arima as he rounded a corner, knocking the other man’s glasses right off of his face.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, Arima-san,” Kaneki exclaimed as he bent down and picked up the glasses dusting them off before handing them back to Armina with a sheepish smile.

Absolutely disgusting, that I must act like this, he thought, doing everything in his power not to scowl.

Armina chuckled as he returned his glasses to the bridge of his nose. “It’s alright, Haise. You seem in a hurry, are you alright?”

Kaneki subconsciously raised his hand to his chin as he said, “Yes, I’m fine. Just a bit distracted.”

Arima raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Why are you distracted?”

“Oh, I’m just looking for Urie,” well, that was one of the quinx names, Kaneki knew that much. At least it was a decent excuse, he hoped at the very least.

“I’m not positive where he is Haise, sorry about that.”

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” Kaneki said hurriedly. “I best be off then,” and he turned and left, walking a little faster than before to get away from Arima.

It wasn’t often one came face to face with the person who killed them, and Kaneki found himself greatly disturbed by it. He shuddered once he was out of Arimas field of vision. It had been hard not to lash out and kill Arima on the spot. The other man’s guard had been down, but he knew he had more information to gain from the CCG before he could just go and kill anyone. He would be lying to himself if he didn’t want to kill every bastard in the place after what they had done to his friends and himself, but that was a task to save for another day.

Kaneki heard footsteps approaching from down the hall rapidly, and he tensed up.

“Haise!” The voice accompanying the footsteps Kaneki almost instantly realised belonged to Suzuya, and he relaxed, turning to face Suzuya with a smile, one much less faked than what was offered to Arima. Even Kaneki was aware that Suzuya had helped. He had recognized Kaneki even with his mask, yet had not reported him to the CCG, and he had even known that Haise had once been Kaneki, even when Haise himself was not aware. So Kaneki had no reason to be angry with Suzuya, and had no intentions of ever hurting him.

“Hey, Suzuya,” Kaneki said as he spread his arms out and Suzuya dug into his pockets, searching for sweets.

Suzuya pulled back with a slight frown as he said, “You didn’t bring any sweets for me today?”

Kaneki was genuinely shocked that Haise hadn’t put any in his pockets, but he covered for the little slip up easily.

“I must have forgotten them this morning,” he ruffled Suzuya’s black hair as he spoke. “I’ll get some for you later alright? And twice as many to make up for it.”

“Thank you Haise-san,” Suzuya beamed before bouncing off in the other direction humming to himself. He paused as he rounded the corner, and looked back at kaneki a he continued to walk down the hall, memorizing the layout of the building.

He’s back. Suzuya thought, I know it. He continued to hum as he walked aimlessly, having no real goal. Suzuya knew things were going to get interesting, there was no denying that. Was he going to tell anyone? No, he wasn’t. That would spoil the fun for him. Suzuya did think he would miss Haise, and not just because of the sweets. He had grown to see Haise as a friend, and now he was losing another friend, just like he had when Shinohara had died. And now Haise was….dead. He didn’t want to say the word out loud because that would make it real, but he knew he couldn’t deny it for long. He knew Kaneki wouldn’t pretend for long, so his days with any hope were quickly wearing down.

Suzuya sighed and shook his head quickly, trying to clear his mind. Well, at least Kaneki would buy some sweets for him.

 

Kaneki had grown bored with his aimless walking and complete lack of results that he decided he could get some air. Outside, he immediately felt relieved. Being in the CCG even a little bit of time was making him nervous.

Without even thinking about it, he found his feet carrying him to the place he knew best: Anteiku. He didn’t fight it, and actually found himself smiling at the idea of maybe seeing his friends.

He opened the door to Anteiku, and the bell inside rang quietly as he breathed in the familiar smell of the fantastic coffee that was brewed there.

Touka looked up to see who the newcomer was, and Kaneki saw a brief flicker of hope in her eyes when she looked at him, but saw the brief moment of hpe fall quickly and her lips quirked down into a slight frown.

“Hello Haise,” She said quietly. “What can I get for you today?”

“Who are you talking about?” Kanneki teased lightly, trying not to smile as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Kaneki?” Touka said with disbelief, her mouth slightly open with shock.

“You yourself said I would return someday, didn’t you?”

Touka’s shock faded into something like anger and she ran straight for Kaneki, kick him him square in the chest as hard as she could and bringing him to the floor.

“I thought you were gone for good!” She shouted, glaring at Kaneki.

Kaneki couldn’t help a slight laugh. “Ow, that hurt. But I should have expected that.”

Touka eyed him warily as he smiled. “you're smiling. And laughing. It’s almost like…”

“Before I even met Rize? Yeah. I know.”

Touka felt tears starting to well up in the corners of her eyes as she dropped to the floor and pulled Kaneki into a tight embrace.

“I thought I had lost you forever,” she whispered through her tears.

Kaneki held her back and realized that his return was bringing his friends relief, and he couldn’t have been more happy. “I know Touka, I am so sorry,” he murmured. “I wasn’t sure I would ever get my body back either. Haise was stronger than I expected.” he pulled back and looked Touka in the eyes. “But I did it, I’m here now. Now, could you get off me you oaf? You’re heavier than you look.”

Touka whacked Kaneki on the head none too gently. “Don’t be so rude to a lady,” She said with little bite.

Kaneki just laughed a little before continuing. “I’m sorry for jumping straight into business, but I need to know. How is Hinami?”

Touka’s smile faded. “She’s alive, but, she's depressed. She has gone these years thinking you were dead, and it took a tole on her.”

Kaneki chewed his lip as he worried. “I’ll have to make it right. I won’t fail her again.”

“Kaneki, what happened was never your fault.”

“But I could have done better!” Kaneki felt his old bitterness returning.

“Kaneki,” Touka put her hand on his shoulder “you did everything you could. Hinami couldn’t have asked for a better big brother. And now you have returned. That is what counts.”

Kaneki shook his head. “No, what counts is that this time I won’t let my friends get hurt.”

“Be careful kaneki,” Touka warned. “Don’t let what you think you need to do get in the way of you protecting yourself, alright?”

Kaneki didn’t respond. Instead, he chose to move the conversation forward. “What about Banjou? Is he ok?”

Touka didn’t press Kaneki, knowing she would get no where, and just answered his next question. “Same as Hinami. Alive, but not himself. He looked up to you. Still does. I know he will be more than happy that you are back.”

Kaneki couldn’t help a smile knowing that at least two of his friends were alive.

“What about Tsukiyama?’ Kaneki questioned next.

“You care about that bastard?” Touka scoffed.

“Believe it or not he's not half bad. And last time I left him, he was downright devastated. I need to know if hes ok.”

“Fine fine,” Touka sighed. “He doesn’t leave his mansion. He was worse off than the others as far as being mentally sound goes. Thinking you were dead drove him a bit mad.”

Kaneki scowled. “Thats not ok.”

“His butler, what’s his name,” She pondered for a moment. “Oh, Kanae, thats it. He’s tried to help Tsukiyama recover, but hasn’t done the most fantastic job.”

“I’ll have to pay Tsukiyama a visit,” Kaneki decided.

“Don’t let him eat you. He starved himself for months after you...whatever happened.”

“I was stronger than him, remember?”

“Yeah we're stronger, key phrase.” Touka poked him in the stomach and smirked. “But, you seem out of shape now.”

Kaneki scowled at her. “That isn’t my fault. I haven’t been the one using this body the last few years.”

Touka rolled her eyes at him. “Still no better at taking a joke I see.”

“You’re always so serious. I never could tell if you were joking or not,” Kaneki pointed out.

“I can be funny you know,” Touka said as she made something close to a pout.

“Eh, that stands to be proven.” Kaneki teased.

“Kaneki,” Touka said, suddenly serious. “Does the CCG know you’re back?”

“No, not at all.” Kaneki replied, confident in his answer.

“Not even Arima knows? Are you sure?”

Kaneki nodded. “It isn't hard for me to fake being Haise. I was in his head for a long time. The issue is how long I can keep it up before the quinx find out.”

“Quinx?” Touka tilted her head.

“Oh, half ghoul like things. And also Haise’s co-workers and subordinates.”

“Oh. I do see how it may be harder to hide who you really are from them since you will be spending a lot of time with them”

Kaneki nodded before suddenly stiffening. “Hide. Have you seen him around at all?”

It took Touka a moment to catch up with the sudden change in conversation but when she did, she had to take a moment to break the news to Kaneki.

“Touka, please tell me he is alright. He is my best friend.”

“Well,” Touka paused, “For about a year, he was hiding from the CCG, because they figured out his connections to you. And he...he was more depressed than even Hinami. It took all of us here to keep him from well, ending his life. I won’t beat around the bush with that. BUt then one day, the doves and then what I think must have been one of the so-called Quinx, came and raided the area. We haven’t seen him since Kaneki.”

Kaneki couldn’t keep his kakugan from making an appearance and he snarled. “Those absolute bastards if they laid a finger on him I swear-”

“I don’t think they would have killed him. He knows a lot. Kaneki, he knew you were a ghoul even though you did everything you could not to let him know. He’s perceptive. I bet they are using him for something.”

“That isn’t ok either,” Kaneki growled.

“No. It isn’t. But please don’t do anything rash ok?” Touka said with concern.

“No promises,” Kaneki warned as he turned and walked back out the door, slamming it behind him.

“Please Kaneki,” touka whispered, “please return to anteiku again.”

 

 


	3. Two (You Can Run, But You Can't Hide)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide is back, but he will never be the same again. A year in the hands of the CCG can change anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, there is death in this chapter, just FYI.  
> Also the title of this chapter is a bit of a pun.....heh.

Kaneki had to find Hide. And he had to find him fast. His mind was reeling as he mulled over all of the things that could have happened to his friend. He tried to be sort of optimistic at first. Maybe they just have him cooped up and finding ghouls for them. Sure that might be emotionally taxing, but he would be in one piece.

He found his thoughts drifting darker faster. What if they had tortured him? Would he have been able to withstand it? Would he have been able to hold up since he was only a human? He couldn’t heal quickly like Kaneki did when he himself was tortured so Kaneki didn’t want to think of what would have happened to Hide.

He kept his thoughts as far from Hide being dead as he could while he walked through the CCG trying to hunt his friend down. In the end, he found himself outside one of the labs and stepped in, not expecting to find anything in particular. When his eyes focused on the back walls his eyes grew wide and he was stunned.

Hide was unconscious, inside of a sort of holding tank. But that wasn’t what shocked Kaneki the most. It was the rinkaku kagune draping limply out behind him that stood out. It was like his own, only smaller and more fragile looking. A lot like his was when he wasn’t eating. Someone else in the room cleared their throat, drawing Kaneki’s attention.

“Haise,” the voice which when Kaneki actually looked belonged to Urie, “how did you get in here?” Urie seemed more shocked than agitated, but as Kaneki spun to face him, he let his kakugan show again and prepared his kagune.

“Guess again,” Kaneki hissed. “Haise is gone.”  
Urie looked at Kaneki like he had gone insane. “What are you going on about?”

Faster than Urie could react, Kaneki had his kagune out and one tendril holding Urie back against the wall. “I am Kaneki. SS ranked ghoul. Eye-patch. Centipede. Any of that ring a bell?”

“What the hell? Are you kidding me Haise? I know I’ve given you a lot of shit but do you really have to go this far?”

Enraged, Kaneki snapped another tendril of his kagune into Urie’s shoulder, then pulling it back, a spray of blood in it’s wake. “Are you this much of an idiot? Would Haise do something like this? You really think that?”

Urie didn’t scream even though the wound hurt. “NO. I guess not. He isn’t this much of an asshole.”  
“What did you do to Hide?” Kaneki asked, threatening Urie with his kagune hovered inches from his right eye.

“Technically, I didn’t do it. But, as you can see, he’s a half ghoul now, just like you. He had some of your kakuhou implanted in him.”

“Who did this to him then,” Kaneki questioned.

“Arima.” Urie answered simply and before he could say anything else he screamed as Kaneki drove his kagune through Urie’s right eye. Urie released his kagune to try and fight back, but Kaneki was faster, and much stronger.

Kaneki had Urie on his back on the ground in seconds and then repeated what he had done to his right eye to his left.  

Urie screeched as he writhed on the floor, blood pooling around his skulled, panicking as he felt the stabbing pain.

“Sorry Urie, but I can’t let my friends be hurt anymore.” And with that Kaneki mirrored the way he had been killed. With Urie on his knees, Kanki stabbed him through the abdomen, leaving a gaping hole in its stead.

Turning from the corpse with pooling blood, kaneki approached Hide’s holding tank. It took a few hits, but his kagune were strong enough to shatter the glass. Hde slumped forward and into Kaneki's arms. Hide was covered in cuts, bruises, and barely healed gashes.

“What did they do to you?” Kaneki whispered as he stared down at his friend lying limp in his arms. He had to snap out of his daze and get out of the CCG. He couldn’t pretend to be Haise for even a minute more. It would take one look from Arima at Urie’s dead body in order to know who had murdered him.

Carrying Hide as carefully as he could, he ran out of the CCG, and crashed out through one of the windows. Looking behind him, Kaneki found no one on his tail, but it wouldn’t be long before they were. He had to get to Anteiku, and fast. His feet carried him quickly down the allies he had long ago memorized, passing only a few weak and useless ghouls as he ran.

He entered Anteiku from the back and called out.

“Touka!” He shouted.

Touka had been in the back and so was able to run quickly to Kaneki. “Whats wrong? are you -” She cut herself off when she saw the body in Kaneki’s arms. “Hide…” she whispered.

“He’s alive. But, as you can tell, he’s ...just like me now. And he needs help.”

“I can see that much. I’m not blind. Here get him down on the couch” Kaneki carried Hide into the back room and carefully put his friend down on the couch.

“So what happened to him?” Touka asked, getting a cloth wet to clean Hide up.

“I only know that after he was taken, they apparently put a portion of my Kakuhou into him Successfully making him the third half ghoul success. Then they must have tortured him,” Kaneki scowled. “Urie was in on it. It seemed he knew more but I didn’t exactly give him a chance to talk.”

Touka glared at kaneki. “So you killed him. And I’m guessing this means the whole of CCG will know you are back?”

“Exactly.”

“You don’t seem worried enough about this.”

“I can hide where I used to stay with Hinami and Banjou. And Hide can too.”

“They are still there. I know they would take you back,” Touka assured Kaneki.

“Thank you Touka, for at least trying to understand I was doing what I had to when I killed Urie.”

“Kaneki, you rarely do anything without a good reason,” Touka smiled at Kaneki a bit. “I Trust you. I really do ok?”

“Thank you Touka. But, I think we need to help Hide now.”

Touka nodded. “He seems stable. Just, weak. Very weak. Kaneki,” Touka hesitated. “You realize as soon as he wakes he will need to eat right? The sugar cubs won’t cut it. He won’t be able to heal.”

Kaneki nodded hesitantly. He didn’t want Hide to have to transition into eating other human beings this quick, but he knew what had to be done. “I know Touka. I’d rather have him alive, than worry about his morals.”

“Alright. There are still packages of meat gathered in the storage. It’s pretty fresh. Do you remember where it is?”

“Of course,” Kaneki nodded. “I haven’t forgotten much of anything.”

It didn’t take him long to retrieve one of the packages and bring it back to where Hide was resting. The package was heavy in his hand. It held within it Hide’s true transformation from human to ghoul. The line which one could never cross back over. Kaneki felt awful that he had to force such a decision on his best friend. He himself had been able to make this decision for himself. Ease into it. Try to remain human even when he knew it wouldn’t last. But instead, Hide didn’t get that chance. The CCG and what they had done pulled that from him. Left him with no other option than to become a monster on the run.

“Hey, Kaneki.” Touka repeated for the third time.

“Huh?” Kaneki replied in a daze.

“You weren’t paying attention. Can you wait with Hide till he wakes up? I think you should be the one here when he does.”

“Oh, of course. Thanks Touka.”

Touka nodded and then stepped outside the room without another word. Kaneki sat down next to hide, sighing as he looked down at his friends face. He could have simply been taking a nap, if not for the kagune still exposed from his back. Kaneki didn’t know the state his friend would awaken in. Hide may have gone insane, as Kaneki himself had. He may not remember Kaneki or anyone else at all.

_What if they did to him, what they did to me? What if they locked him inside his own mind and there is nothing left of him?_

Kaneki had to cut off his thoughts and try to be more optimistic. Hide may be just fine. He could remember everything and still be himself. He had to hold onto that much.

He gently stroked Hide’s hair while his friend slept, mostly as a way to prove to himself that this was real. That he had found his best friend, and had found him alive. Things could have been much worse.

Touka had stood just outside the door and watched Kaneki for a few minutes. She hadn’t seen him so content in years. She even broke into a smile, something almost no one ever saw, before she walked off to return to her work.

 

Hours later, Hide started to stir. Kaneki had dozed off and woke up as his friends breathing became less steady.

“Hide?” Kaneki questioned quietly, being sure to give the other half ghoul some space in case it wasn’t hide who opened up his eyes.

Hide made some rather distressed grunts before cracking open one of his eyes. He expected to find himself strapped to a medical table, ready for more experiments and torture. Instead when he looked up he was met with the scared eyes of Kaneki. He knew it wasn’t Haise in that body anymore. Only Kaneki would be that concerned for him.

“Hey, Kaneki” Hide rasped, voice nearly gone from lack of use combined with screams from his torture. “Long time no see, man.”

“Oh my god it’s really you,” Kaneki said so fast his words slurred together as he bent down and pulled Hide into a ridiculously tight embrace.

“Ow, Kaneki watch the ribs,” Hide grunted, trying to breathe despite the death grip Kaneki had on him .

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Kaneki apologized as he pulled back and looked at his friend again. “I was worried it wouldn’t be you here with me when you woke up.”

“They couldn’t break me,” Hide coughed, “they tried, very hard. Trust me they did their best. But they couldn’t.” Hide grinned as best he could but the pain was distracting him”

When Hide started coughing, Kaneki sprung up to get a glass of water. “Sorry, here you go.”

“Thanks man” Hide grinned before downing the water in only a couple of sips. “Oh, do you have anything to eat around here?”

Kaneki’s face fell and he was about to open his mouth to speak when Hide interrupted him.

“I know. It was to be…..human,” Hide seemed to stumble over the word but collected himself. “And I know those sugar cubes won’t cut it. If something like that would be enough to get me on my feet then the stuff they gave me at the CCG would have cut it. All that did was get me awake again when I would pass out.”

“I’m so sorry you don’t even get to decide if you want to get rid of this part of your humanity yet. At least I got a chance.” Kaneki’s voice was barely above a whisper as he looked down at his hands.

“You know, It’s alright, ok?” Hide reassured with a small smile. “You got me out of that hell hole. You got your body back. And neither of us are dead after the ordeal. That’s good enough for me, ok?”

Kaneki sighed, there was no way to talk Hide down once his mind was set. He had always been like that, and apparently, even being turned into a ghoul couldn’t change that. Kaneki grabbed the package and gently handed it to Hide, shying away from it slightly. “No one was killed for that,” Kaneki mumbled. “The person was already dead. That makes it a little better, right?”

Hide unwrapped the parcel and his mouth watered at the smell. It was awful in theory, but after what he had been put through, he couldn’t really be bothered to think of this as the worst thing. “Thank you Kaneki.  Seriously.”

Kaneki had to look away as Hide ate. It was never supposed to be Hide eating human flesh. It was never supposed to be Hide tortured to near death. He was supposed to keep Hide safe. He had always tried. But he had failed and now, he had to protect him.

As Hide ate he felt his strength coming back. Though it was slow at least he had the strength to retract his kagune and sit up straight. He searched around for a napkin but ended up just wiping his face on his sleeve. He ended up burping rather loud and Kaneki looked back at him, eyebrow raised with mild disgust.

“Excuse you” Kaneki stated, deadpan.

“Hey, just showing my thanks for the meal,” Hide teased.

Kaneki rolled his eyes. “I’m assuming you feel a bit better now?”

“I can tell I’m healing,” Hide reassured.

“You may need more to fully recover.”

“I know, but this is ok for now.”

“Are you sure?” Kaneki was worried and his brow furrowed as he spoke.

“I promise, I’m just fine,” Hide knew he was only partially telling the truth, but he thought he would be able to recover, it would just take some time. “By the way, what’s up with the two-tone hair?”

“I didn’t exactly pick it, and I was you know, running around saving you, so I couldn’t exactly change it ” Kaneki replied.

“Are you going to keep it?”

“No. It reminds me of Haise too much. And I want to erase him.”

“Going back to black, or white?” Hide questioned.

Kaneki pondered that for a moment, chewing his lip as he did so. “White, I think. It grew on me, and really I guess became a part of who I am.”

“I can understand that.” And Hide could really. Wanting to hold onto a part of yourself when everything seems to be falling apart around you could be life saving. It had been only thoughts of his own friends that kept him sane at the CCG.

“You need a haircut yourself,” Kaneki pointed out as he fluffed his friends now long hair. It easily could have been pulled back into a ponytail.

“Aww, don’t think I could rock long hair?” Hide fake pouted. “Fine fine, I agree with you actually. And I need to dye it too.”

“I’ll pick up the dye soon. I can cut your hair as well. I got good at that with Hinami.”

“Kaneki,” Hide started, “Why can’t we go out and get this done?”

Kaneki hadn’t really thought about how Hide would react to having to be on the run from the CCG, but now was as good of a time as any to tell him. “Hide, you can’t be seen in public right now.”

Hide was going to ask why but then it hit him. “The doves,” he whispered.

“exactly. And they will be hunting you. Me as well. I don’t want them killing you just because you go out to get a haircut.”

“How are we going to deal with this, Kaneki?” Hide asked quietly.

“I have a place where Hinami, Banjou, and I stayed. Hinam and the others are still living there. It was never found by the doves, it will be safe.”

“What about when we do need to go out? I mean it’s not like I can stay cooped up all day.” Hide was starting to already get antsy about being stuck inside for too long. He hadn’t seen the light of day in over a year, the thought of that continuing scared him.

“I’m an SS ranked ghoul and still have my mask. I can handle things. We will get you a mask as well. That will help. It will be a full face one. Like Touka’s, or Uta’s.”

Hide gave him a blank look.

“Oh, you’ll get it later. I promise.”

“Alright I trust you on that. Is there any way at all I will be able to go out at all though without the mask?”

“Not right away, but hopefully. We will just have to closely monitor for doves. I will do everything I can to make this better, alright Hide?” Kaneki felt his heart drop when he looked at his friends face. Hide tried to hide it, but Kaneki could see his friend was broken. His eyes didn’t hold the same shine they used to. His smile that was brighter than the sun didn’t seem to reach his eyes anymore. It hurt to look at, and Kaneki wanted to fix it.

“I will protect you Hide, and I will fix this.”

 

 


	4. Three (Some Things Never Change)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzuya knows whats up, Hinami is back, and Hide gets a haircut. 
> 
> *Ok so Hinami is back BUT I have not followed what happened to her in tg:re. In my fic here, she never became fully involved with Aogiri, and she was never kidnapped. My idea for the plot of this fic was spawned really early after I figured out Haise was Kaneki, so things are very different here.*

Suzuya swung his legs gently off the side of the roof he was seated on, the wind blowing his hair across his face. He smiled as he set his binoculars down next to himself and started to hum a simple tune. Kaneki wasn’t going to be coming back to the CCG as Haise anymore, and he wasn’t going to be able to evade the doves as easily as before. Suzuya wasn't entirely sure what to think of the whole situation. He hadn’t known what to expect when he had followed Kaneki.

He had definitely not expected to see Hide as a ghoul. Last time he had seen the other man, Hide had been using the CCG as a way to keep track of Kaneki. Suzuya had known that, but hadn’t told anyone else.

He didn’t know how to take in this information. He had seen Kaneki remove Hide from the CCG, which meant some people in the CCG had done this to Hide. That didn’t sit well with him at all if Hide hadn’t consented to what was done.

Suzuya didn’t jump to any conclusions though. He hadn’t actually hear Hide and Kaneki while they were talking. He would have to continue to follow them and find out more.

_Maybe, I can find out more from someone else in the CCG as well. But I can’t be too obvious about what I want. They would question me._

With his thoughts all in a mess Suzuya hopped off and made his way back down to the ground. Still humming the same little made up tune he skipped back to the CCG, thinking only about how Kaneki never got him his sweets. He would have to ask the half ghoul for them later.

 

Still inside of Anteiku, Kaneki and Hide were unaware of the fact Suzuya had been watching them. Kaneki decided it was mostly likely time for Hide and himself to get out of Anteiku and into hiding.

“Alright Hide, let’s go tell Touka what’s up, and then we can get going. If we hang around here too long I worry the doves will catch up.” Kaneki said as he stood up. “I’ll ask Touka if I can take some of the packages with so I don’t have to go out and collect any food for a while.”

Hide nodded. “Alright. That sounds good to me.”

“Oh you will get to know HInami and Banjou I guess,” Kaneki thought out loud. He hadn’t really thought about how either of them would deal with Hide joining them, particularly since he was dropping in after such a long absence. He would just have to find out.

Hide smiled. “Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”

“Well, you may not quite agree when or if you ever meet Tsukiyama.” Kaneki couldn’t help a small laugh.

Hide raised an eyebrow and asked, “What do you mean by that anyway?”

“Oh, just don’t let your first impression of him last. He’s not as crazy as he seems.”

“Um, alright then?” Hide was still lost but he didn’t worry about it.

The pair found Touka and got her off to the side to speak with her, out of earshot of any customers.

“Hey Hide,” Touka offered him a small smile but it was nothing like the welcome she had given to Kaneki.

Hide thought nothing of it and grinned at her, used to her stoic demeanor. “Long time no see Touka,”

“I see you are feeling better now?” She questioned.

“Well, I’m not dead and I can stand up. That’s decent improvement,” Hide stated.

 _If only I could shake off the feelings that I’m going mad. I can feel it creeping at the edge of my mind. Hopefully I can keep it at bay. I need to stay sane. For Kaneki_ , Hide thought as Touka and Kaneki talked logistics and he zoned out.

“Alright, Hide.” Kaneki addressing him pulled Hide back into reality.

“Hmm?”

“We will go back to the apartment now, and tomorrow we can get you a mask.”

“How are we getting that done anyway?”

At night you and Kaneki will go to Uta’s shop,” Touka interrupted. “He will help you decide on the appearance. Then when he is done with it, you will get it and be able to use it.”

“Alright.” Hide affirmed.

“Don’t let Uta freak you out,” Kaneki continued. “He can be unnerving at first.”

“So can you Kaneki,” Touka teased.

“Rude,” Kaneki mumbled, glaring at her.

“Get a room you two,” Hide laughed, rolling his eyes at his friends.

“You two, shoo,” Touka ushered them out the door, “You need to get going. There are enough people out right now you can blend in with the crowed. Oh, hold on.” She disappeared into the back and returned with an old baseball cap. “Hide, put your hair up in it. That is a pretty distinctive feature about you. Keep it hidden.”

“Thanks, Touka,” Hide said as he put the hat on, hiding his hair inside of it. “See you around, alright?”

Without another word Hide and Kaneki were out the door, closing it gently behind them, leaving Touka staring at the back of the door for a few moments before regaining her focus. ‘See you around, Kaneki” she whispered to herself.

 

Out on the crowded streets, Kaneki and Hide blended in as best the could. Hide looked like just about anyone else with his hair not showing, but Kaneki’s own two-tone hair was a dead ringer as to who he was.

“I thought it would be you drawing attention to us, Hide,” Kaneki said, “but instead it’s me. People know who I am. Or, well who they think I am.”

“Having bright white hair isn’t exactly any better, Kaneki,” Hide pointed out.

“Only the CCG would be looking for me with that hair. And maybe some other ghouls. But they know I’m back anyway, so who cares. I do want my eyepatch back though.”

“So you’re gonna start wearing that thing again?” Hide inquired.

“Yeah. I still don’t have the best control over my kakugan.”

“Seriously?” Hide raised an eyebrow.

“”Well, better than I used to be. But when I’m pissed off, really stressed, or hungry, it likes to make a surprise appearance. I also kinda grew to like the dang eye-patch.” Kaneki shrugged.

“Hey, whatever floats your boat.” Hide looked around as Kaneki led them off into dark back alleys. “So, where are we going exactly?”

“Round about way to the apartment. Only other ghouls hang out in this area, and if they have any sense and remember me at all, they won’t bother us.”

Hide trusted Kaneki but still hung closer than he had been before. He knew that he himself was strong, but had little to no experience. If they got ambushed or something, he would have to rely on Kaneki completely.

Once they had gotten to the apartment, Kaneki looked beneath the old flower pot and still found a key sitting there.

 _Some things never change_ , Kaneki thought, smiling a little.

Kaneki turned the key in the lock and the door clicked open with almost no noise. Inside, Hinami was seating on the couch, quietly arranging flowers in a vase. White chrysanthemums, lilies, and pink carnations. Kaneki recognized that all the flowers in the vase had something to do with mourning or loss.

It only took Hinami a moment to notice that someone else had entered the apartment, and she tensed up, ready to attack if someone from the CCG had broken in. The fear of that occurring had been constant since Kaneki had been killed, or so Hinami thought.

When she looked and saw Kaneki and Hide standing in the doorway, she was elated and ran straight over to Kaneki and jumped up to hug him.

“Big brother! You’re finally home!” Hinami’s voice was almost a shout as she was overwhelmed with emotion.

Kaneki hugged her back, smiling along with Hinami.

“It feels great to be home,” Kaneki replied as he separated himself from Hinami. “You’ve gotten a lot taller as well,” he pointed out.

Hinami nodded with a grin. "And I have been reading a lot too."

"Nothing much has changed with you, has it?" Kaneki asked.

"Actually, it has," Hinami said, voice more serious than usual. "Lately, the CCG has been on my tail because of my involvement with Mado's death. They figured out who I was somehow and so I turned to Aogiri tree for help."

"You turned to them despite what they did to me?" Kaneki's voice was filled with disbelief and slight anger.

"Kaneki, I'm guessing she only went to them if she absolutely had to," Hide said, trying to be the voice of reason.

"Originally it was because it was my only option," Hinami started. "I didn't want to drag Touka into this, or anyone else at Anteiku. Tsukiyama was out of the question as well, as he has been hiding in his mansion.”

“So how did they react to you showing up there?” Kameki was skeptical that anything with Aogiri could have gone over well.

“Surprisingly, they actually helped me,” Hinami replied.

“Even after I turned them down?” Kaneki asked, his voice filled with shock.

“Yes. Dr. Kanou may be disillusioned and Ayoto may be an asshole, but as ghouls, they deal with the doves as much as any of us, so they understood my cause.”

“And Kaneki,” Hide interjected,  “Aogiri isn’t the only ones making half ghouls anymore,” he pointed out. “Like Hinami said, Dr. Kanou who turned you into a half ghoul may be crazy, but is Arima or anyone else who do the same thing  at the CCG any better?”

“No. Of course they are not,” Kaneki said firmly. “At the very least it seems Dr. Kanou has a point in making them to counter the CCG seeing as how devastating their actions have been to so many of us.”

“Are you willing to turn to Aogiri then Kaneki if you need to?” HInami asked, hopeful that he would say yes.

“Yes. If Ayoto tries to kill me though, this time I won’t be as kind as I was before.” Kaneki was not willing to have his life put at risk just to work with Aogiri if he had to.

“I understand, Kaneki,” Hinami nodded. “But I think you will learn he isn’t as bad as you think.”

“He doesn’t care about his own sister,” Kaneki pointed out.

“That is far from true. He may act like it, but in reality he just doesn’t think Touka’s views are all that great. He sees most humans as out to kill him, or at least hate him.” Hinami stated.

“He isn’t too wrong either,” Hide interrupted. “It isn’t often someone like me comes around. Humans don’t accept ghouls most of the time.”

“You aren’t a human anymore though, Hide,” Hinami said quietly.

“How did you know?” Hide questioned.

“You’re smell, it’s a dead give away. And it...it reminds me strangely of Kaneki’s. Just, slightly more faint.” Hinami was genuinely curious exactly how this had happened to Hide. Last she had known, he had vanished and was presumed dead. Now he was back, but he wa just like Kaneki. A lot could change in just a year.

“Part of Kaneki’s kakuhou was transplanted into me. They must have saved it from before Kaneki’s personality was altered, after they had taken him from the raid on Anteiku.”

“That would explain your scent. Just like how Banjou thought that Kaneki smelled like Rize because it was her kakuhou that was implanted in Kaneki.”   

“Hinami, where is Banjou?” Kaneki asked, changing the topic and moving farther into the living room, fidgeting slightly with Hinami’s flower arrangement.

“What? Oh, he will be back at some point. I’m not actually sure where he is though.” She gestured for Hide to join them inside.

“Alright. Do you think it will be ok for Hide to stay here as well?” Kaneki questioned.

“Of course,” Hinami affirmed. “Anything for a friend.”

“I’ll make sure that bringing him here doesn’t lead any of the doves right to our doorstep. That I can promise.” Kaneki at least hoped he could. It was bad enough Hide was dragged into all of this, he couldn’t let tragedy befall any of his other friends

Hide finally removed his hat and fixed his hair so it wasn’t sticking up in every odd direction. When Hinami noticed how long Hide’s hair had grown, her eyes grew wide.

“Hide, you seriously need a haircut,” She pointed out.

“Yeah, the CCG didn’t exactly give me those.” Hide laughed a little. “So you don’t think  can pull off long hair either?”

“It’s, unique,” Hinami said hesitantly. “I’ll be right back.”

When she returned, she had the same scissors Kaneki used to use on her hair.  

“You still have those then?” Kaneki couldn’t help the slight smile as he remembered the first time he cut, and botched, Hinami’s hair, and how much better he had gotten over time.

“Of course,” Hinami smiled. “Now I can show you just how good I’ve gotten as well.”

The three chatted very little as Hinami worked. Kaneki was just taking the time to appreciate his friends. It had been so long that he had been without them. But he considered that he, well technically Haise, had made friends at the CCG. Saiko in particular he couldn't get off his mind. Even with his memories back, Kaneki still felt like he cared about Saiko. A lot like he did about Hinami. He didn’t want to see her hurt either, and he feared that when he would clash with the CCG, she would be there. He shook off the thought, not wanting to dwell on anything painful while he had this rare moment of peace.

“There! Perfect,” Hinami beamed as she looked at Hide’s hair. “Kaneki, what do you think?”

“Its great Hinami!” He praised. “Looks exactly like it used to, except the color.”

“That we can fix later,” Hide pointed out. “Thank you so much Hinami,” Hide ran his hand through his now short hair. The touch of normalcy allowed Hide to think, if even for a moment, that things just might be ok. 


	5. Four (Time To Face The Music)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I brought someone else back into the picture. Kaneki seems to be getting his band of merry men back together quite nicely.   
> Again dear god the chapter title is a stupid joke i came up with while tired. Despite it's more serious meaning, its a pun. The first time i saw Banjou's name it made me think of "banjo" like the instrument ._. hence, the damn title of this chapter.

The trio had used the rest of the afternoon to relax, a lull in the chaos for them. They all knew in the back of their minds that this sense of security was going to be short lived. Every ghoul in the apartment was on the run from the CCG in some way shape or form, and it was only a matter of time before one of them was found. Each had their fear that it would be them who would bring down their friends destruction. In their quiet time, they were able to just chat with no real goal to discuss. They didn’t have to make plans at that very moment and it felt nice.

It wasn’t much later that the door opened and Banjou unceremoniously kicked his shoes off and muttered curses to himself as he stubbed his toe.

“Hinami, who’s shoes are these?” He called out as he looked at the two pairs of men’s shoes that had been discarded by the door.

“How about you come in here and see for yourself?” Hinami replied, the smile on her face audible in her voice.

“Um, ok?” Banjou stepped into the living room. “Why can’t you just-” he paused mid-sentence as he laid his eyes on Kaneki and Hide seated on the couch, both grinning at him, the light of the sun in Hide’s expression and a clarity he hadn't seen in Kaneki since before Aogiri had laid their hands on him.

“Well my god,” his voice was airy with disbelief. “Kaneki, Hide, is it really you?”

“The one and only,” Hide replied with a grin.

“Amazingly, I’m not dead,” Kaneki said next, smirking as he spoke.

“I’d yell at you for leaving me in the dark for this long but I know it’s not your fault. Can I ask what happened? Or is that prying too much.”

“You weren’t aware of what happened to me, were you Banjou,” it occurred to Kaneki that there was a chance that Banjou knew next to nothing.

“I thought you were dead,” Banjou replied flatly. “Very recently, I heard rumours of Haise looking a lot like you, and how many suspected he was you. I didn’t know what to believe, but it looks like they were right.”

Kaneki nodded. “I was locked inside of my own mind. It was almost three years before I could regain my body.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Banjou said quietly, unable to look Kaneki in the eye, ashamed he had at times blamed Kaneki for things going wrong. It had only been because of his depression, but that hadn’t made it ok.

“You wouldn’t want to, Banjou,” Kaneki replied. “And hey, don’t go thinking anything you thought was wrong. I know how it is to have your world torn apart in seconds. It does things to you. You start to doubt everything, blame other people, stuff like that. I get it, alright?”

Banjou smiled as Kaneki did his best to comfort him. “Thanks, seriously.”

“Hey, great touching moment and all, but maybe Banjou, you should explain what you were out doing,” Hinami piped up, deciding to be reasonable no matter how much she wanted to just see her friends happy.

“Was something wrong, Banjou,” Hide asked nervously, eyes darting towards the window briefly. He never used to be this jumpy, and it bothered him. In his defense, he had a lot more to fear now.

“I wish I could say everything was peachy, but that would be a grand lie. The CCG is on Hinami’s tail more than before. I’m not sure how they got so close, but luckily they only sent very low ranked investigators. I was able to get rid of them.”

“At ast they didn’t send the Quinx.” Kaneki muttered.

“The what?” Banjou raised an eyebrow.

“Half ghoul like things.”

“But, not quite a half ghoul?” Banjou was confused.

“Different surgery. It’s, less prone to instability. More protected. Less risky. Though it’s just as hard to find people who can handle it. They could only find five in total.”

“Seems the CCG stooped low enough to make real half ghouls as well,” Banjou looked towards Hide, making it clear he knew the others secret.

“Is it really that obvious?” Hide sounded exasperated.

“Its actually creepy how much you smell like Kaneki. And he’s a half ghoul, so I made the assumption,” Banjou clarified.

“He doesn’t just smell like me because he’s a half ghoul. He has part of my kakuhou implanted in him. Like how technically, I smell like Rize.”

“Oh, I actually should have noticed that, I did the first time around with you.”

“Guys,” Hide cut in, “What I smell like really isn’t important. I could smell like fucking daffodils but it still wouldn’t matter. Shouldn’t we be more focused on the fact that you know, the CCG is closing in on  Hinami. It’s a little bit more important.”

“Well at least you retained a bit of your sense of humor, better than I fared” Kaneki smiled a bit. “Anyway, Banjou dealt with the doves that got too close for comfort. In the meantime, we are as Hidden as we can possibly be. There isn’t anywhere else better that we can go. I’m guessing that they know you have ties to Hinami, Banjou?”

“Well, they really don’t I wasn’t around her when Mado was killed, and if anything they would associate me with you,” Banjou shrugged.

“That wouldn’t be good for you right now Banjou. With Hide as a fugitive, and the CCG knowing I killed Urie-”

“You did what?” Banjou shouted.

“I’m sure he had a reason,” Hinami assured.

“I did. He was one of the one who did this to Hide,” Kaneki scowled as he thought back on it.

“Thats reason enough,” Banjou understood how much Kaneki valued his friends, he wasn’t surprised at what Kaneki had done.

“So my point was going to be,” Kaneki resumed, “Banjou, if they know you have ties to me, you are in as much danger as I am.”

“Looks like we are going to have to get back into the condition we were in before you disappeared Kaneki,” Banjou sounded optimistic.

“There were more of us at that time,” Kaneki reminded.

“Did you forget about the potential of Aogiri?” Hide tipped his head in question.

“I guess I’m still hesitant to use that tie, even though I will since I trust Hinami’s judgment.”

“Even if I acted harsh before, Kaneki, you have every right to be hesitant,” Hinami reassured.

Kaneki sighed, “Thank you, Hinami,” He started to pace, he alway got antsy when he needed to think. “What about Tsukiyama?”

A smile unfolded on Hinami’s face and she seemed to glow a little bit. “Flower man? I haven’t seen him in years, I miss him,” she trailed off.

“I still am wary of him, but after all he did for you, I would take him back,” Banjou added.

“The gourmet? You got along well with him?” Hide was incredulous. “I assumed if you did work with him, it was more of a tense agreement.”

“He’s not so bad, I promise,” Kaneki chuckled a little. “Well, after you get past the slightly intrusive nature of his personality.”

“Finding him will be the struggle,” Hide brought up.

“Not really, he’s been holed up in his mansion according to Touka,” Kaneki said.

“But, chances are he will have heard about you getting your body back,” Hinami stated. “He has more eyes out there than you would think. Chances are, he will show up at our doorstep of his own volition.”

“If he does within the next few days, then we can ask him if he will help us. I assume he will be on board with trying to minimize the threat of the CCG. He has had his fair share of dealings with them, and I think he felt personally slighted when he thought they had killed me. In the mean time banjou or Hinami, could one of you collect food? Touka sent some but not enough to last for Hide.”

“Of course Kaneki,” Banjou affirmed.

“Alright. I need to help Hide get used to being a half ghoul.”

“Kaneki, it’s not like I’m new to this.”

“No but you were locked up in the CCG the whole time you have been one. That doesn’t really count.”

“Good point.”

“We will leave you two alone,” Hinami announced as Banjou left the room. “We all have things to get ready.”

 

Hide and Kaneki found themselves seated in Kaneki’s old room after reorganizing things that had never been removed.

“You said you were going to help me deal with becoming a half ghoul. So you mean like, some sort of physical training or some shit?” Hide moved his hands around in mocking imitation of karate.

Kaneki couldn’t help but laugh at his friends antics. “I mean, yes, you are going to have to get stronger. But I’m more worried about the psychological effects. I know you were at least somewhat aware of what was happening to me.”

“You were unraveling pretty fast,” Hide admitted. “I always wished I could have helped you.”

Kaneki scowled. “It was never your job to protect me, and I hope you know that.”

“It’s hard not to blame myself sometimes, you know.” Hide had grown quieter.

“Well don’t. You didn’t tell me to go on a date with Rize. You didn’t cause a steel beam to fall on me and you sure as hell didn’t tell a psycho doctor to implant ghoul organs in me.”

“But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have helped! I could have been there for you! You thought you had no one and I wasn’t pushier. I didn’t try hard enough to talk to you. I..I could have made it so you didn’t feel like a monster. Because you never were a monster to me.”

Kaneki felt his anger ebb into something else. “I know you never did think that of me, Hide,” Kaneki was quiet. “Just I felt that I was, and so I didn’t believe anyone else would logically be able to see me as anything other than a monster. Particularly not you. I didn’t want you to hate me, so I left and did not want to look you in the eyes again. I thought you would have looked at me with disgust. I mean hell, best friend turned ghoul. Not something that is pleasant in the slightest.”

“Look at us now though. It’s been a few years but so what. We made it. We are both alive, and now you don’t have to feel so alone. I am just like you. We can figure this out. I trust you.” Hide smiled, but it did not quite reach his eyes.

Kaneki could feel how scared Hide was. He knew his friend was hurting, and he felt so powerless to do anything about it. If only he could turn back time, he would have changed so many things. Maybe he could have kept their lives from spiraling apart. But Kaneki had to make do with the present, and that included both he and Hide being fugitive half ghouls. Not the best scenario to work with but they would make do.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re fine, Hide,” Kaneki assured. “Don’t lie to yourself like I did. It doesn’t help in the long run.”

“Don’t underestimate me,” Hide shoved Kaneki lightly. “I can handle myself.”

“We will see,” Kaneki joked. Despite the palpable anxiety in the room, Kaneki was able to offer a half smile. “I will make sure you can.”


	6. Five (Let Me Be Your Fortress)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it has been so long since I updated. Shit happened, then more shit happened, and for a while i lacked inspiration. So I'm back thought. yay... I think.

The fluorescent lights were shining down bright into Hide’s eyes as he woke from a fitful rest. When he tried to move his arms and legs were restrained, and his head would not stop throbbing. It took him a few moments to gather what was going on and when he realized he was still in the CCG lab, he started to thrash in his bonds.

He had to get away.

He couldn’t last another day.

Above all, he was starving.

That was what stood out the most. He couldn’t get rid of the gnawing hunger that plagued him as he was caged. They wouldn’t give him more than enough to keep alive and regenerate, and he wasn’t always given enough to complete the latter.

The experiments were leaving him weak, and as another needle with burning contents pierced his skin, he couldn’t even scream anymore.

 

The covers on the guest futon were scattered on the floor as Hide thrashed back and forth. His brows were furrowed reflecting the fear and pain he was experiencing in his dream. Sweat was dripping down the sides of his face and his hands clenched repeatedly. The dream seemed to go on forever, though it was only minutes.

When he finally awoke he was panting and his eyes were blown wide in terror.

“It’s only a dream, it’s only a dream,” he mumbled to himself, a mantra to remember that he was ok now. He was safe. He was with Kaneki and his friends. It would be alright now. At least that was what he told himself so he could calm down. Though that was not so easy as Hide couldn’t seem to steady his racing heart or get rid of the images of his torture flashing through his mind. With shaking hands and weak legs Hide stood up and dressed himself, nearly pulling his shirt on backwards in the process. He needed to find something to do besides brood over his problems, and he definitely could not let Kaneki know what was going on. He had to be strong for kaneki. His friend had already been through too much in the past and he could not lay all of his own troubles on Kaneki with a good conscience.  

When he had finally collected himself and the room had stopped spinning he walked out into the living room where he found Kaneki, Banjou, and Hinami gathered talking in quiet voices.

"Am I interrupting something?" Hide questioned as he flopped down beside his friends.

"Good morning sleepy head," Kaneki teased.

"Wait what time is it anyway?" Hide was so tired he had assumed it was still very early morning.

"Just after ten," Hinami added.

"Seriously?" Hide spluttered. "I thought it had to be earlier. I'm so exhausted."

"Did something keep you up, Hide? I thought we were quiet this morning," Banjou asked with concern.

"No. I think I'm just not used to sleeping properly yet. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in ages anyway. I will be fine you guys," Hide smiled weakly.

Kaneki wasn't convinced, but he didn't press for the time being. "Alright, Hide, Banjou and I agreed that I should help you learn to fight with your kagune. Trust me. You're going to have to at some point. Sooner rather than later most likely even if I wish that wasn't the case."

"You said something about a mask as well?" Hide asked.

"Yes. Uta will handle that later though," Hinami added.

"I'll be out, but you can get ahold of me if you need me," Banjou stated as he got up, returning his coffee mug to the kitchen before heading out the door.

"I'll leave you two as well," Hinami started. "If you need anything to eat just come back inside. And Kaneki," she turned to look him in the eye, "stay safe ok? Sure you're just training but please keep an eye out. Never know who's out there."

"I know, Hinami," Kaneki cracked his knuckles as he spoke. "Don't worry alright?"

Hinami was going to worry about Kaneki and Hide no matter what anyone said. History had shown just how badly things could go wrong to the best of people in the blink of an eye so as they walked out the door she watched them go with a sigh.

 

Kaneki watched as Hide unfurled his kagune. It still surprised him how much it looked like his own. The four tendrils swung back and forth in a way that almost looked like they had a mind of their own as Hide awaited Kaneki to say something.

"So now what?" Hide tipped his head to the side.

Kaneki had to bring himself into focus again. "Sorry. It's just weird to see you with a kakugan."

Hide laughed a little. "It's a bit spooky isn't it?"

"It's just nothing I ever expected to see on you. Anyway, all you have to do, is hit me once."

"That doesn't sound too hard," Hide replied.

"Let's see you do it then. I won't be releasing my kagune yet. So I won't be doing anything but dodging you."

"Alright, get ready Kaneki," Hide smirked as he lashed out with his kagune the first time.

Kaneki easily stepped to the side, and his expression remained completely neutral.

"Again," he instructed.

Hide continued to try but never once was able to hit Kaneki. They had made their way through a large expanse of near empty allies by this point, only one or two stray ghouls anywhere in the area.

Hide was panting and Kaneki didn't even seemed phased.

"I'm not sure just charging into things is going to work for you like it does for me. Try something else. Let it be your style."

Hide pondered this for a moment before an idea struck him. As a child, he was a master at hide and seek. He was always the last to be found and that would serve him well now.

"Kaneki, let out your kagune. We are going to play a little game of hide and seek."

Hide ran off and vanished around a corner before Kaneki could completely process what was happening. He grinned when he realized what Hide was going for, and after unfurling his kagune, he went after his friend.

Kaneki couldn't find Hide at all. It was as if he had vanished. Even his smell seemed faint. Within seconds of pausing his search Kaneki felt a sharp sting on his back and Hide lashed his kagune. It was barely hard enough to cut but it startled him all the same.

Kaneki spun around and found Hide clinging to a building and grinning down at him. His friend jumped to the ground with a thud his eyes seemed to sparkle with his achievement.

"Kaneki, SS ranked ghoul caught by little Ole me. You doubted I could catch you didn't you? Well-" he was cut short when he saw the silhouette of a ghoul with a rinkaku kagune approaching from the shadows. "Kaneki move!" He shouted and Kaneki dodged the air-born ghoul who then slammed straight into Hide.

Hide was faster, though just barely,  and could feel blood welling up through his shirt where he had been cut. He ignored it in favor of countering the crazed ghoul's attacks, and in seconds the other ghoul was down.

No. Not just down.

Dead.

Hide hadn't even registered what he had done but Kaneki was looking on with wide eyes.

"I didn't mean to.." Hide choked out.

"He wasn't going to stop, Hide" Kaneki said quietly. That may not have for sure been the case, but Kaneki didn't mention it. Instead he was transfixed by the sight of his friend covered in blood that was mostly not his own. It disturbed him. It was never something that should have had to happen to Hide.

"Let's get going. Hinami can get someone to handle cleanup and disposal." Kaneki turned and started to walk, leaving Hide to catch up.

Hide bent down to the body and began to think.

_I heard how Kaneki got strong. I need to be that way myself. I can't rely on him forever, or let my best friend down._

He knelt down and with his eyes closed, bit down onto the corpse, eating some of the flesh. It was bitter and foul, so Hide did not eat much. He wiped his mouth and ran after Kaneki who hadn't covered much ground.

Kaneki was pondering what had happened, mostly just shocked at how Hide had acted. It was as if Hide wasn't himself. Most likely, he barely was. When he heard his friend approach he turned to speak with him again.

"Hide, are you ok?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie to me. You aren't a good liar."

"I just killed someone, Kaneki. How ok should I be?" His voiced cracked as he spoke, showing just how small he felt.

"You did that so fast. Hide, had you done that before?" Kaneki's voice was quiet, almost as if he couldn't believe that would be possible.

Hide stiffened but said, "no. Never before."

Kaneki nodded and turned around starting to walk again. Something seemed off. The ghoul Hide killed may have been half starved and weak, something Kaneki could have taken down in even less time, but for a new half ghoul? This was wrong. It left him wondering just what the CCG had done to him.

 

When they had returned, Hinami immediately saw the blood on Hide and rushed over to them.

“What happened? This blood isn’t either of yours and I don’t recognize it at all.”

“A half starved and weak rogue ghoul went after Hide,” Kaneki stated, voice not giving away anything he felt. “That ghoul would not have stopped and so I had to intervene. Unfortunately I got Hide rather messy in the process. I will give you the information on where the body is. Get someone to clean it up. I don’t want to raise any suspicion. One dead ghoul isn’t going to be missed.”

Kaneki returned to his room and sat with his head in his hands, trying to forget the look on his friends face as he killed another ghoul.

_He looked so very calm. Not scared or upset about killing. It wasn’t until after the body had fallen that he showed any signs of remorse._

Kaneki's thoughts were cut short as Hide joined him in the room, sitting down beside him.

“Why did you cover for me?” Hide asked, hoping he wasn’t crossing a line in doing so.

“To protect you.” Kaneki replied bluntly, not looking at Hide.

Before Hide could say anything else Kaneki looked directly into Hide’s eyes, his own stern and piercing.

“How did you kill that ghoul so quickly?” Kaneki was not going to let the issue fester until Hide shattered. There was no way he would let that happen.

“I was experimented on for months, Kaneki,” Hide still refused to tell the whole truth. “I got a little stronger because of it.”

“A little stronger doesn’t match up to killing a ghoul in mere moments!” Kaneki’s volume started to escalate and he had to calm himself down. “You know? Nevermind. What happened happened. We cannot let the past drag us down and prevent us from being able to move forward.”

As Hide watched Kaneki pace around the room, he almost caved and told him everything. But he couldn’t. There was no way he could bring his friend anymore pain.

_I have to protect him_ , Hide thought.

_I cannot let him down_ , Kaneki reminded himself.

_Last time I let him slip away_ , Hide felt the weight of the past on his shoulders.

_Last time I left him behind_ , Kaneki couldn’t bare to do it again.

_It’s my fault he thought no one would ever accept him_ , Hide had never let that go.

_It’s my fault I never confided in him,_ Kaneki would always regret it.

_I will be his shield_ , Hide’s resolve would not waver.

_I will fight for him_ , and Kaneki would not fail. 


	7. Six (Opportunity Knocks)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukiyama returns, and plans are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again good lord I'm so sorry for the wait. Between work, life, stress, etc, I don't always get around to writing all that much.

That evening when things had calmed down for the two half ghouls, they were able to finally enjoy a meal in their own version of peace.

That peace was broken by a timid knock on the door. With all the houses’ inhabitants accounted for, the knock couldn’t mean anything good. Hinami stood to get the door, and what greeted her on the other side was nothing short of a shock.

Tsukiyama stood outside the door despite the rain the dampened his hair, holding a bunch of Iris’ of varying colors.

“Is, Kaneki-kun there?” His voice was quiet and frail, as if it hadn’t been used in months. Hinami didn’t doubt that might have been the case, given how he had holed himself up when he thought Kaneki was gone forever. But behind the hesitant exterior, there was a quality of hope in his voice.

Hinami smiled and was able to give Tsukiyama the news he wanted to hear with confidence.

“Ye, flower man. Take a look.”

She opened the door more and stepped to the side, revealing Kaneki standing behind them, leaning against the table with his hands crossed over his chest.

“Long time no see, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki couldn’t help a small smile. The purple haired man may be truly obnoxious sometimes, but he had been an ally, and he did care even if he didn’t always show it.

Tsukiyama couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It had been years since he had been able to lay his eyes on Kaneki. And all that time, he thought his precious Kaneki was dead. It was like looking at a ghost. He had to blink a few times to make sure it wasn’t some sort of hallucination. When he had finally decided that Kaneki was indeed real and standing in front of him, he was just barely able to hand the flowers off to Hinami who placed them in a nearby vase before launching himself at Kaneki and embracing him.

Kaneki had not been expecting the impact, and so was almost knocked over. Before he was able to protest and ask Tsukiyama to let go, Tsukiyama spoke up.

“Oh Kaneki-kun, you have no idea how worried I was. I thought I was never going to be able to see you again.” He finally released his grip and Kaneki was able to breathe again.

“So sorry about that,” Tsukiyama said sheepishly. “I was just so excited to see you. Those flowers I brought you. Irises. They represent hope, something I had long ago lost. With their bloom my hope had returned, as I heard about you being alive. I hope they can serve as a reminder to you to keep hope as well, even when things look bleak.”

Kaneki smiled up at Tsukiyama. “Thank you. I really mean it. I’m so sorry that i left you in the dark for so long. Being trapped in your own head is a bit of a sticky situation.”

“I do not blame you, Kaneki-kun, even if it may have seemed that way before.” With his greeting out of the way, he finally noticed another smell.

Another half ghoul. One that smelled far too much like Kaneki.

“Kaneki, what is that smell? Another half ghoul.”

“Oh. That’s me,” Hide announced himself as he entered the room giving a little wave.

In a flash Tsukiyama was in Hide’s personal space, smelling him and observing him intently. “Ohh, Hide-kun. You smell so lovely as well, Well, never as dolce as my Kaneki-kun but, no one ever could.”

“Tsukiyama that’s just weird,” Kaneki mumbled, but did not interfere despite the pleading looks Hide was sending him.

Tsukiyama completely ignored him, instead opting to take another deep breath rather close to Hide’s ear. “So sweet. So very lovely. So unique!” He then cleared his throat and finally calmed himself down, stepping back and giving Hide some much needed space.

Hide looked shell shocked when Tsukiyama finally stopped smelling him.

“I feel incredibly violated,” Hide mumbled.

“How do you think I used to feel all the damn time when this asshole was around?” Kaneki asked, eyebrow raised.

“Oh, Kaneki-kun why do you say such mean things to me?” Tsukiyama threw his hand against his forehead in an overly dramatic portrayal of hurt.

“You know I’m not exaggerating,” Kaneki deadpanned.

Tsukiyama didn’t even bother to deny it instead he changed the subject to a question burning in the back of his mind.

“Hide,” he started, cautious as to what he might get as an answer, “how did you end up like...this,” he gestured with his hands to Kaneki.

“The CCG,” Hide replied. “About a year after many thought Kaneki had been killed, I was finally captured by the CCG while looking into what had actually happened. Early on I realized Kaneki had not been truly killed and I wanted to get to the bottom of things. That clearly backfired and I ended up the target of an extreme amount of experimentation. I was out for a while, and when I woke up, well this is what I was. I knew things were wrong. I could feel it. At first there was nothing that seemed wrong, until I felt a gnawing hunger unlike anything I had experienced before. Turns out I had been out long enough for my hunger to fester and when human started looking appetizing? Well it was pretty obvious what had happened. From there it was just...just a lot of things I don’t particularly want to think about.”

Kaneki gently rubbed his friends back, trying to reassure him. “You don’t need to ok?” Kaneki could feel Hide shaking from where he had his hand, and wanted to make sure his friend didn’t break down on the spot. He knew how this felt. The transition was hard enough when it wa simply forced on you. But with all of the experimentation Hide had endured, Kaneki couldn’t even begin to imagine the psychological trauma.

Even Tsukiyama seemed to be rendered speechless by what he had just heard. “I am so sorry, Hide,” Tsukiyama was quiet, voice shaking. “First Kaneki, and now you. Both of you have gone through far too much. And to think that the CCG is doing such experiments as well.”

“Their atrocities run deeper than I would have ever expected before,” Banjou was leaning on the doorframe as he spoke, startling Hide as he abruptly entered the conversation. “Never know what else they might do.”

“I won’t let them touch anyone here,” Kaneki reiterated.

“Again I will do everything to help you, Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama stated as he looked between the other ghouls and half ghouls in the room. “I failed you last time, so maybe this time, I can be your shield and stop any attack against you.”

Kaneki felt his lips turn up into a slight smile. It seemed to be contagious as even Hide smiled a bit.

“Well hey, this time you guys have me,” Hide teased. “maybe I can save your sorry asses this time around.”

Hinami was the first to start laughing, and it cascaded through the room, lightening the mood. Hide found himself faking his laughter to try and blend in. He felt almost sick that he had to hide what was actually going through his mind. He knew he was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He had been since the day Kaneki pulled him out of the CCG. It took all of his willpower to even try and function like the others. All he wanted to do was settle down with his friends, maybe even live as normal of a life as one could as a half ghoul. but Hide was not so lucky. he grew quiet before the others did, and when everyone had stopped, Hide cleared his throat and asked a question.

“So does anyone know if the CCG is any closer to finding out about where we are?”

“Hinami, share what you saw this morning,” Banjou prompted.

“There were doves roaming far to close to here for my liking, and there was evidence they had tortured another ghoul most likely asking for information,” Hinami reported.

“Were any Quinx among them?” Kaneki asked.

“Not that I could tell.”

“And Tsukiyama, have you seen anything?” Kaneki continued his questioning.

“Nothing that seemed at all abnormal, Kaneki-kun.”

“Good. We have time to get Hide a mask before things get too ugly.”

“You mean if?” hide tried to be optimistic.

“When. It’s truly a matter of how quickly things go from bad to worse. I’d rather it be later, not sooner, but we will have to see.”

Hide sighed. “Looks like my life is gonna be nothing but chaos from here, huh?”

No one in the room denied it. They couldn’t without feeling like liars. Instead they stayed quiet, leaving a tense atmosphere between them. The floor seemed to be the most interesting thing in the world to Hinami, and Kaneki picked invisible dirt out from under his nails as Banjou and Tsukiyama shared a look of concern.

“Well, I’d say I want to go for a walk but that doesn’t seem like a good idea right now. I’ll be in my room.” Hide turned and retreated into his space, sitting down to think, and hopefully clear his mind.

 

Kaneki watched as Hide retreated before turning back to his other friends.

“Well, tomorrow I want someone to accompany Hide and I to Uta’s shop. Anyone want to volunteer?”

“Actually, would you mind being accompanied by someone from Aogiri?” Hinami asked tentatively. Kaneki may have agreed to take aid from Aogiri, but Hinami knew that didn’t mean Kaneki was fully ok with the situation.

“By someone, do you mean Ayoto?” Kaneki asked, completely deadpan.

“Well...yes. I know you don’t exactly have the best history-”

“That’s an understatement,” Kaneki interrupted.

“Yes but don’t you think it would be better to not have your first interactions as allies be while you are fighting? Because by this point you know we will need the aid of Aogiri to take on the CCG. with the Quinx added to their ranks, it won’t be like before,” said Hinami.

“Alright. That makes sense. I’m assuming you already spoke with him?”

“Of course.”

“As smart and thoughtful as ever, Hinami,” Tsukiyama added.

Hinami smiled and thanked  Tsukiyama before looking back to Kaneki. “Tomorrow, just before sunrise. That’s when you will go to Uta’s, alright?”

Kaneki nodded calmly, but his stomach was in knots. The mask. It solidified Hide’s identity as a ghoul, and his last ties to trying to be human snapping. 


	8. Seven (We Wear Masks to Hide our Sins)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait for this. Between starting university for the year and my job, as well as trying to maintain a social life, I have't had much time or inspiration. But I hope you enjoy this until I get the next chapter done.

Hide never much liked mornings, and this was no exception. Kaneki had not slept-as was common for him- so it made no difference to him if the sun had breached the horizon or not. But this time Kaneki had witnessed Hide’s night terrors. He had seen his friend writhing back and forth and muttering curses to himself. He had tried to wake Hide up but to no avail as the nightmares seemed to have a strong grip on him. Kaneki had only stayed by Hide’s side until he had heard Hide cry out his name. He couldn’t take it anymore after that. Even in a dream, he had been unable to come to his best friends aid.

Kaneki could brood over his troubles later. Right now more important things were at hand. Like Hinami leading Ayoto into their home. Kaneki popped his knuckles as he watched the two greet each other formally before Ayoto finally turned his attention to Kaneki.

“Well, it’s been a while,” Ayoto stated, not giving any real insight as to how seeing Kaneki made him feel. “Regardless of what happened last time we met, this time I am your ally. I’m not going to turn on you, we have at least partially the same goal: to hurt the CCG.”

“Good. Even if it isn’t my first choice, I know we will need to work with you. Tsukiyama, Hinami, Banjou, Hide, myself, and a few underlings are not going to cut it. We saw how that worked out last time,” Kaneki scowled.

“I don’t particularly want to end up a slave to the CCG like you did,” Ayoto huffed, “so let’s make sure this time we actually succeed.”

“I just care about keeping my friends alive,” Kaneki said quietly.

“Whatever sentimental bullshit you care about is of no concern to me. I have my own goals, and they happen to overlap yours. Thats enough of a reason for me to work with you. Are we headed out or not?” Ayoto turned back out the door, not looking back to see if Hide or Kaneki had followed him.

Kaneki himself hadn’t even noticed Hide joining them in the room and was startled when he turned around to face him.

“Oh your awake,” Kaneki stated.

“Thanks captain obvious,” Hide teased. “Now are we gonna had after that grump or not?”

“Yeah yeah let’s go.” Kaneki said as he ushered Hide out the door, quickly catching up with Ayoto.

Their trip was spent mostly in silence, though the atmosphere between the three was tense and seemed to leak distrust. It was going to be a shaky alliance between Aogiri and Kaneki’s group, that much was certain. Hide wished he could be certain that things would turn out alright, but history tended to repeat itself, and with that in mind he couldn’t expect anything to end up in their favor.

 

The air was brisker than Kaneki had expected and the wind seemed to go right through his clothes. The unpleasant morning seemed to fit the mood, Kaneki noticed with no small amount of bitterness. Kaneki noticed how tense Hide was and he reached over and gently rubbed his friends shoulder, trying to coax him to calm down even if it was just a little bit. The human contact seemed to ground Hide a bit and pull him out of his thoughts. Hide had been zoned out for so long he hadn’t even noticed how far they had gone. He wasn’t sure where they were anymore which made him nervous. He hadn’t considered himself a nervous person before his time at the CCG, but something like could really change a person. Less than two years ago jumpy, nervous, and distraught would not have been words to describe Hide, even on a bad day. Now they seemed to sum up how he was on a day to day basis.

The only sound the accompanied the trio was the gentle brushing noise of shoes being dragged on the pavement. Only Ayoto seemed to be completely willing to continue forward. But regardless, they all had personal reasons that they had to keep trying even if it seemed like they would always be outnumbered, and always one step behind. It felt like someone was pulling strings and manipulating from above. No one person could deserve so much suffering could they?  Hide and Kaneki knew their future was bleak and pushing forward was wearing them down slowly. It was not a matter of if someone would snap. It was when.

A when that no one could predict.

One that loomed in the distance, just beyond reach.

The dark shadow it cast left both with a sense of dread.

 

They soon were at Uta’s shop, and a sense of nostalgia came over Kaneki. Nothing had really changed. Even Uta was nowhere to be seen, just like the first time he himself had come in for his own mask. It was only a matter of time before Uta tried to scare Hide.

“Where the hell is he,” Ayoto muttered, not wanting to be there longer than he had to.

“Hello Hide, I was expecting you,” Uta said quietly as he suddenly stood behind Hide.

Hide had not noticed Uta’s approach and as a reaction he spun around to lash out. Uta stopped him by grabbing his wrists and waiting a moment for Hide to calm.

“Oh, did I startle you?” Uta tipped his head to the side, expression unreadable as he questioned Hide. “You are hear for your mask yes?” He continued without waiting for an answer.

Hide only nodded. Ayoto was paying no attention but Kaneki worried over Hide. Hide had quickly reacted violently, something that had been manifesting more and more. Kaneki knew Hide would tell him that there was nothing to worry about if he asked, but Kaneki knew when people were lying, so used to doing so himself for so long.

“Sit over here Hide,” Uta led Hide to a stool where he started to take measurements for Hide’s mask. “Snack?” Uta questioned holding out a bowl with assorted human parts in it.

Hide took up the offer, unlike how Kaneki had reacted years before. Uta smiled a bit as Hide ate without even hesitating. He knew that Hide was nothing like Kaneki had been when Uta had first encountered him. And so Hide intrigued him.

“You seem awfully relaxed,” Uta observed.

“It’s not exactly like this is something terrifying. Odd, sure, but that’s all,” Hide shrugged.

“Well I am glad that you feel welcome in my shop,” Uta finally smiled a bit before reverting to his unreadable gaze. He made measurements without saying too much, simply thinking of how he wanted Hide’s mask to look.

“I have heard about how you fight. Luring people into traps,” Uta stated.

“How the hell would you know about that?” Hide asked voice tinged with distrust.

“Oh, I know lots of things. But that’s no matter,” Uta hummed as he finished up measurements.  “It reminds me a lot of a spider. Would that be an ok inspiration for your mask?”

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Hide said non-committedly.

Uta simply nodded, writing down what he was going to do.

Kaneki thought the mask would be fitting, based off what he had seen. The way Uta had said it though, Kaneki realized that implied Hide had been out more than once.

 _How did Uta know before me_? Kaneki thought, brow furrowed with concentration, barely listening to Uta and Hide discussing the mask.

Kaneki wasn’t positive how much time had passed as he thought but it felt like only a few moments before Hide was gently poking him in the arm.

“Earth to Kaneki,” Hide teased, always trying to lighten the mood. “You gonna come back to us?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kaneki mumbled the apology.

He didn’t bother to say goodby to Uta as they left, a quick dismissal wave the only sign he even recognized Uta’s presence.

Their return was spent in complete silence. Kaneki was deep in thought, and Hide noticed his face was even more distraught than usual. Ayoto just didn’t care, knowing his only purpose today was as an escort in case of the CCG making a surprise entrance. Ayoto was the first to notice something was wrong. He stopped gestured for Kaneki and Hide to be quiet as he saw Hide was about to say something.

“Doves,” Kaneki whispered, answering Hide’s unspoken question.

The three ghouls were ready when three CCG investigators attacked, and they were nothing close to outmatched. The CCG investigators seemed to be new, at least none of the three ghouls recognized them.

“Guys, just go,” Ayoto spoke calmly despite the fact he was fighting.

“No,” Kaneki hissed. He wasn’t going to just back off like a coward.

“I promised Hinami you would get home in one piece, and preferably without injuries of any type.”

Kaneki tensed but ended up relenting, shepherding Hide away as quickly as he could without the CCG following. It wasn’t hard to shake them off and finishing their remaining trip back to their place in uneasy peace. When they opened the door, Hinami immediately jumped to ask them questions.

“Where did Ayoto go? He wasn’t supposed to leave you two,” she chewed her lip with worry and looked back and forth between Hide and Kaneki for answers.

“Doves,” Kaneki stated simply.

“You didn’t stay with him to help?” Hinami asked, somewhat shocked Kaneki hadn’t stayed behind.

“Ayoto said he was fine. And you wanted me to worry more about Hide, correct?” Kaneki raised an eyebrow at Hinami.

“Yes, but,” she started.

“But nothing. They were very inexperienced. Ayoto is incredibly strong, he has nothing to worry about. He asked us to leave, so trust me, he will be fine,” Kaneki almost grimaced when he said the word fine. Were any of them really fine at this point? Could anyone be truly fine in the world they found themselves stuck in.

Hinami sighed. “Alright, I believe in your judgment,” she did consider that because of Ayoto’s and Kaneki’s previous relationship Kaneki may have left the other man behind with less consideration than if Ayoto had been a friend, but she let the thought go quickly.

“Hinami,” Kaneki started, “I need to talk to you later, ok? Without anyone else.”

“Can’t even tell your own best friend, eh?” Hide said with a teasing tone, though Kaneki keeping secrets from him cut like a knife. It felt like history repeating itself again, the vicious cycle of lies and deceit running their course. He didn’t even try to think that wasn’t the case. It just seemed it was something he would never escape.

“Not yet, sorry Hide,” Kaneki apologized. “In the meantime, don’t head out today, ok Hide? Not after that encounter with the doves.”

“Are you headed out, Kaneki?” Hinami tipped her head in question.

“Yeah,” Kaneki said with finality. “I need to check something out. Uta said something that got me thinking.”

After a quick goodbye Kaneki was out the door, and Hide retreating to his room again, away from Hinami and Banjou.

Even as he sat on the floor by himself he wasn’t alone. The voices inside his head gave him company, even if he didn’t want it. The voices clawed at the back of his mind, trying to tell him what to do. They were louder than he could tolerate, and so he curled up on his side, and found himself shaking, trembling like a leaf in the wind. He had his eyes squeezed shut, attempting to bring himself back to sanity. Instead he felt the voices pulling him further into his mind, telling him to hunt, eat, kill. Whatever it took to become stronger. Become better. Faster. Anything but remaining as weak as he was then, at his lowest of times.

The hunger pangs only worsened the more he tried to ignore them. It was as if they were taunting him.

“No, no, no,” he said in a pained whisper.

It was like this every day. And every time he fed, it grew worse. The urges stronger. The pain more acute.

It was as if all the forces in the world were culminating together, working their course against Hide, leaving him like a fish swimming upstream, his body weakening from the effort until finally the waves took and washed him away, leaving behind no trace of who he was before.

He would never slip that far. He resolved to never lose himself like Kaneki had. He would never be that weak or selfish.

That was his thought as he snuck off to go and find his prey: helpless weak ghouls who couldn’t outsmart him. 


	9. Eight (You cannot Hide From The Monster Inside)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been forever again since the last update and I appologize for the 100th time but really my life is very very busy. Many other things take priority. I hope this satisfies you all. Also thanks so much for almost 1000 views so far :3.

Finding ghouls wandering about the streets was no challenge. Hide could smell them from a distance, and had no trouble tracking them. They were too foolish to really put up any sort of fight. He knew he was infringing on the territory of other ghouls, but he didn’t care. It was only those who devoured who could survive. He wasn’t enough on his own. He needed the power he was gaining from doing this.

He had also started to enjoy the hunt. Watching the fear. The apprehension. The confusion.

But he didn’t want to enjoy it. He knew that he didn’t want to. Something inside of him did though. The predator that lurked below the skin grew stronger every day, and it was getting harder and harder to push back and out of the way.

For the moment he had to ignore it. He had a task at hand.

A small female ghoul was currently on the run for him. He simply let her run, trailing behind at a distance that was hard to be noticed at. He would simply wear her out and then attack. The weather was nice anyway, and he was enjoying his nice nighttime jaunt. The moon was mostly covered by the clouds and the thick darkness made this even easier for him as the other ghoul couldn’t see him as well. The wind whipped his hair about, gently brushing over his unmasked forehead. In truth, he knew this wasn’t smart to do without his mask. But he couldn;t wait for Uta to be done.

He had to hunt.

He had to feed.

He had to become better.

He had to make sure he could do something for Kaneki.

The nightmares had become more frequent lately, and they had changed. No longer were they just flashbacks and variations of what happened to him at the CCG. Now he would watch his friends be torn to pieces before his very eyes as they fought the CCG and he was left powerless to help as he lay broken and weak. Hide saw Kaneki killed repeatedly in his dreams, because of things that Hide knew he could have prevented.  He couldn’t stand the thought of what he saw in his dreams becoming reality.

The wind was less intense behind the tall buildings that lined each side of the ally he and the ghoul were now in together, and Hide could smell the fear radiating from the cornered female ghoul. Her breath left her in wheezing pants as she fought to stand upright despite exhaustion starting to take over.

In the dark barely more than Hide’s crazed expression could be made out in the shadows. In seconds he closed the distance between them, leaving him inches from her face, smirking as he spoke, his single kakugan active.

“You put up a more interesting chase than the others,” Hide said as his grin grew wider and he grabbed her by the chin when she tried to look away. “Hey now, don’t look away. At least die knowing your going to be of use, ok?”

Those were the last words the female ghoul would ever hear as a tearing and cracking sound rang out into the air around them as Hide released his kagune, taking her down before she could even cry out.

The female ghoul was left lying at an unnatural angle on the ground in a pool of her own blood, limbs twisted to unnatural angles from where Hide had broken bones.

Hide ate quickly, and despite the bitter taste of ghoul flesh he ate as much as he could, enjoying knowing that the results would be grand. He knew how much stronger Kaneki had grown because of this, and he knew he could handle the side effects.

_Maybe, Hide, you can get even stronger than Kaneki._ A voice inside his head whispered. _Isn’t what what you wanted? You don’t trust that supposed friend of yours to make things better._

“But I do,” Hide croaked, his voice suddenly abandoning him.

_Really? Then why did you do this?_ The voice taunted.

“Because I need to not fail Kaneki!” Hide pleaded with the voice, feeling like he was going crazy. Maybe he was, he was talking to himself.

Hide felt like something was crawling under his skin, almost as though it was growing there. He scratched at his skin and he didn’t even know for how long, but when he stopped he realized he had peeled skin away from his back and shoulders. The blood seeped into his clothes as he stood back up on shaky legs.

He couldn't clear his head as he made his way back to their house. It felt like a thick fog had overcome him so he took the slowest route back that he could come up with, hoping that the time would give him time to calm down.

 

During the same time Hide was out, Kaneki had been investigating with Tsukiyama. Kaneki needed to clear suspicions he had about Hide after hearing Uta make an allusion to Hide out hunting more than once. It had bothered him, particularly since he had caught wind of news that many weaker ghouls had gone missing, and only a few bodies had been found at all. Those that were found were barely recognizable.

The two ghouls had decided to team up and see if they could find anyone who knew more information. Instead of answers, they only found more questions. Most of the ghouls they encountered ran off before they could even ask anything, terrified to be near the gourmet or the eyepatch ghoul.

Kaneki was ready to give up despite Tsukiyama encouraging him to keep trying, until they happened upon a fresh corpse near the end of a dead-end alley.

“She hasn’t been dead long,” Kaneki said quietly, touching the least bloody part of the corpse he could see finding her to still be warm.

“And it seems she went down without a fight. There doesn’t seem to be any blood from whoever killed her,” Tsukiyama added.

Kaneki was about to agree when he noticed the scent of someone else. “No, I think you’re wrong Tsukiyama,” Kaneki corrected, standing up and looking for the source of the other scent. “Ah, here, look.”

There was blood and small pieces of flesh stren on the ground a few feet from the body. Kaneki thought he recognized the smell and at first couldn’t put his finger on why. When he realized the smell was that of a half ghoul, all color drained from his face as he realized the implications.

“Tsukiyama...this is…” Kaneki didn’t want to say out loud what he knew to be true.

“Half ghoul blood,” Tsukiyama finished.

“It’s not mine,” Kaneki continued, “so it has to be…”

“Hides,” Tsukiyama was quiet as he spoke. “I bet there is a good reason, Kaneki-kun.”

“What good reason could there possibly be for Hide’s blood to be out here?” Kaneki quipped.

“Maybe he had to defend himself,” Tsukiyama knew he was lying but he needed to reassure Kaneki. “Just trust him, ok?” Tsukiyama put a hand on Kanekis shoulder to try and reassure him. At first Kaneki tensed his muscles and almost pushed Tsukiyama away. Instead, he let his body relax and accept the comforting gesture, sighing as he let his shoulders fall.

“He’s my best friend, and I really want to,” Kaneki mumbled.

“Then just do. He did that for you, yes? Then for him do the same, ok?” Tsukiyama finally removed his hand when they started to walk again.

“I just, need to talk to Touka. Do you want to come with me or not?” Kaneki asked.

“I’ll come with you Kaneki-kun. Don’t need you doing anything rash,” he teased lightly.

“You know me too well, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki offered a half smile before going silent as they walked.

Tsukiyama fell into a comfortable silence beside Kaneki as they walked.

_What a grim night_ , Tsukiyama thought as he looked up at the clouded sky. _Let’s hope this is not foreshadowing our future._

 

Hide had gotten close to where he now called home before he had to stop, realizing that if Hinami were home, she would see the blood on his clothes and force answers out of him. He knew he would have to face the music at some point, but for now he could sit down and just let time pass.

 

Kaneki and Tsukiyama arrived after Anteiku had technically closed, but they were still let in by a concerned Touka.

“Are you two alright?” She immediately asked, ushering them into the back of the shop and seating them on a couch.

“We are fine, we think,” Kaneki offered a noncommittal reply.

“That’s not good enough Kaneki. I can tell you are worried. Even Tsukiyama seems a bit ruffled,” she looked back and forth between the other two, trying to see if she could read in their expressions how they really felt.

“Kaneki-kun is concerned about Hide,” Tsukiyama offered plainly.

“What happened, Kaneki?” Touka asked, her voice laced with concern.

 

In the silence, Hide started to feel like something was crawling beneath his skin again. He started to scratch, the cutes from before already healed leaving his skin pure in order to be torn again. The voice that he had subdued was trying to make itself known again, but Hide tried to ignore it.

The voice was his own.

That is what terrified him.

It was his own mind telling him to kill, and to eat, to cannibalize and become even stronger than Kaneki. He couldn’t stand it. He needed the voice out but he couldn’t ignore it. It was controlling him.

 

“That’s a loaded question Touka,” Kaneki responded, chewing his lip with worry.

“Kaneki, you know you can tell me anything, ok?” Touka reassured, her voice gentle and comforting, a gentle lull in the chaos of Kaneki’s mind.

“Well, for starters he’s been having night terrors,” Kaneki tapped his foot rapidly as he spoke, “I couldn’t even wake him up when I finally saw him having one. It seemed he was remembering something from what happened at the CCG. I’m not sure what though. I didn’t press him about it, I know he’s going through enough as is. I wanted to make thing as normal as I could for him, you know? That was the hardest part for me easing into all of this. Then when we were at Uta’s shop, Uta alluded to the fact Hide had been out and encountered ghouls more than just the time it happened while I was with him. I had heard from other ghouls that some weaker ghuls had recently gone missing, and the two things added up. So Tonight Tsukiyama and I went out and looked into things. Mostly other ghoul were just scared of us so we couldn’t get any information from them. We were going to give up when we happened across a very recently murdered ghoul,” Kaneki paused, not really wanting to have to tell Touka how the female ghoul had been killed. “She appeared to have been, well, eaten. There were large portions of her flesh missing and there were a lot of broken bones. She didn’t seem to have stood a chance as there was no blood from anyone else near here.”

“That’s when we noticed some blood and bits of flesh a short distance away from here,” Tsukiyama continued, sensing how tense and uncomfortable Kaneki was, and he gently rubbed Kanekis back again to try and calm him. “We both at first couldn’t tell what it smelled like, but after a moment we figured it out.”

“It was definitely half ghoul blood,” Kaneki forced out, his voice not cooperating and going quiet. “It wasn’t mine, most definitely,” he whispered, “and it was so much like mine, it had to be Hide’s.”

Kaneki pressed his face into his hands, elbows rested on his knees. He felt that he was on the verge of tears, scared for what may be happening to Hide, and that he had been powerless to stop it.

 

Hide didn’t even notice that he had started to tear at his skin again, blood running from the new cuts down his arm. There was a cracking sound as his Kagune released, thrashing around behind him. They tensed and relaxed as he tried to calm himself down but nothing seemed to work. He felt drawn to destroy and to kill, but he just needed to get home. Just needed to stop the voices. As soon as he had the strength in his legs to stand he did, running the rest of the way back, sneaking in quietly, managing to avoid catching the attention of Hinami who had been in her own room, quietly reading a book.

 

“Maybe it isn’t what you think it is, Kaneki,” Touka tried to reassure her friend, but saw how he was slipping.

“I know I’m not wrong Touka. He had no reason to be out there, no reason for his blood to be found by the scene of a murder,” Kaneki’s voice cracked as he finally completely lost his composure.

“I will do anything I can to help, Kaneki. I promise,” Touka said. And she meant it completely. She didn’t want to see Kaneki like this. She couldn’t watch him go through the pain of what he cared about most for the second time. “I’ll keep an eye on things around here, ok? If anyone sees Hide around …. where other ghouls are found, I’ll let you know, ok?”

“Thanks, Touka.” 


	10. Nine (A Little Birdy Told Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well it has been drastically longer than I meant to go between updates but hey at least it is here. University has had me so very busy so I apologize. Hopefully You all like this chapter at least a little bit. Sorry for the well, complete lack of Hide. This chapter focused on other things.

Hide had not been as alone as he thought he was while he had tried to calm himself down. Like a shadow, Suzuya had been following him, staying just out of site but not out of earshot. He had heard everything and seen everything, from the start of Hide’s hunt to his breakdown after. It reminded him of what he had seen happen to Haise.

No, Kaneki, he corrected himself, wincing as again he was reminded about how he had lost a friend.

He still didn’t know all of what happened to Hide while he was at the CCG, but with only a couple weeks having passed and having deteriorated so much, Suzuya couldn’t imagine what the half-ghoul must have gone through while in the labs. Suzuya knew the pains of torture, but had not known what the CCG was doing behind closed doors.

As the wind ruffled his black hair and chilled him through his clothes he couldn’t help but shiver. Though maybe it wasn’t the weather doing it to him. Something wasn’t right at the CCG and Suzuya had no idea who he could trust anymore.

It hadn’t just been Hide that Suzuya had been following, but Kaneki too. He had observed such a different side of Kaneki than he ever expected to see. Other than once running into him as a shy college student, Suzuya had seen Kaneki as primarily the SS rank ghoul that the CCG wanted to eliminate. Even if he had seen the kindness behind Kaneki’s exterior he had never known how deep the man’s kindness ran. It was clear to Suzuya that Kaneki wanted the best for his friends, and would do whatever he had to even if it meant getting hurt. There were very few who had truly cared for him like that.

Maybe Kaneki was a lot more like Haise than Suzuya thought after all.

It left Suzuya conflicted. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he needed to find out more. He had to find out what was really going on at the CCG, fr if Hide was experimented on, there had to be more he reasoned.

When Hide had finally slipped away where Suzuya could no longer follow he gave one more look at the door Hide had gone through before hurrying off back to the CCG, where he could maybe find something out.

 

Touka, Tsukiyama, and Kaneki sat down for coffee in silence just trying to wrap their head around what was happening. They hadn’t said a word since the trio sat down but it was evident everyone had something to say. It was just a matter of who would break the silence first.

“Kaneki,” Touka was hesitant as she spoke, as if one wrong word would cause everything to come crashing down.

“I know you have something you need to say Touka,” Kaneki nearly snapped. “Please, just tell me.”

Touka knew Kaneki wasn’t mad at her so the outburst didn’t even cause her to falter more than she already was. “You need to stop Hide, Kaneki.We have established that even though we don’t want to believe it, Hide is out there cannibalizing. Nothing good came come from this Kaneki, and you know it first hand.”

“Rather than just making him out to be a monster how about instead we try to help him?” Kaneki hissed. “I’ve been there, being thrust into the world of ghouls and feeling like some sort of abomination. And then when you feel weak it only amplifies it Touka, did you ever understand that?”

“Kaneki you know I-”

Kaneki cut her off and continued to speak. “Regardless, none of us can approach this like some sort of intervention.”  
“Of course Kaneki-kun,” Tsukiyama assured with a small smile. “I will admit that I cannot possibly fully understand the things you and Hide have gone through but I will do anything you need to help.”

“Thank you, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki said without looking at his companion. He was staring off at the wall, trying not to dwell but finding that harder than ever.

“I wish I could say it was easy to make this better,” Kaneki murmured, and the two other ghouls had to strain to hear. “I don’t think I ever did get better really. The voices are gone now, but that doesn’t mean much. My time as Haise is what really made things better. I finally feel like I did before … all of this. It took being another person for years in order to change. That doesn't offer much hope.”

“But he has all of us,” Touka added. “You didn’t realize you did until later and you never knew Hide would have stood by you.”

Kaneki only offered a sigh in response. He didn’t think he would be able to turn this around for his best friend as easy as his companions seemed to think.

“I need to go think. Please don’t follow me,” Kaneki said as he stood up, leaving his mug on the table for someone else to pick up, a slight ring forming as kaneki had not used a coaster.

Touka was about to stand up to follow Kaneki but Tsukiyama gently grabbed her arm and coaxed her to sit back down.

“I know you care about him so much Touka, but you need to let him be alone right now, ok? It’s clear he thinks a lot more like he did when we first met him than after Aogiri. He just needs to take some time to clear his head and figure out what is best for his friends, yes?”

Touka sat back down but wa tense. When Tsukiyama finished speaking she finally allowed herself to relax. “You are right,” she agreed. “It’s not just him who has changed though,” Touka thought out loud, more to herself than Tsukiyama.

“Oh?” Tsukiyama tipped his head to the side, raising an eyebrow.

“You too, Tsukiyama. You are much more, calm, I think. And I always hated you before, you know,” she mumbled.

Tsukiyama laughed, loud enough that he startled Touka. “I am not surprised. A lot of people did. Even myself. Loss really does change a person.”

“Loss?” Touka asked.

“Yes. We all lost a friend, a companion. We thought Kaneki really was gone forever Touka. It made us all into different people. Even Kaneki. Though it seems he has found something in himself more so than lost. And he fears that if something happens to Hide, he will lose it again.”

“What is this, ‘it’, Tsukiyama,” Touka pressed for the answer.

“His humanity.”

 

Suzuya hummed as he hurried through the halls of the CCG, skipping slightly to the beat of a tune in his head. He had to remember where he had seen Kanki get Hide from, but he could not come up with where he had been that day. It felt like ages before he rounded the corner and was confronted with a thick metal door that he did not have access too.

Suzuya was not one to give up, so he waited, hiding behind another door in an empty room till someone emerged from the lab area. It was Arima who opened the door which shocked Suzuya. He didn’t expect Arima to be down there at night.

Suzuya quietly slipped out from where he stood and made it through the opening before the door closed quietly behind him. There seemed to be no one else in the hallway, and the lights were dimmer than in other areas of the CCG. Suzuya quietly strode forward, eyes darting back and forth to make sure no one was coming. It was eerily quiet and Suzuya felt that anyone around could hear his breathing.

Suzuya stopped in front of the first door he saw and peeked into the window. No one seemed to be moving around. Suzuya gently tried to turn the door handle and found it unlocked and he stepped inside. Turning on as few lights as possible he looked around and froze when he saw what was there. On the far wall were 3 different what seemed like containment chambers to Suzuya. Inside them were ghouls, no half-ghouls Suzuya guessed, unconscious and showing no signs of life other than shallow breathing and the monitors showing their heart rates hooked up to each of them.

Suzuya had to look away from them, their beat and battered bodies too much for Suzuya to look at. When he turned he found a file left on a table and he opened it. The first papers were labeled as failures. Ten of them labeled as almost successful, and even more labeled as deceased before experimentation was complete. The next were labeled as gone rogue. There were three of them, Hide amongst them. Suzuya’s eyes grew wide when he realized that implied that there were two more half ghoul experiments out in society.

Well he thought that was the case until he saw in the corner of one a note telling how the ghoul had been exterminated.

But that still left one half-ghoul out in the open. Suzuya worried for the half ghoul, wondering if he was alright, dead, alive. Maybe the ghoul had found somewhere to belong, like Kaneki, Suzuya hoped even though he doubted it.

The last paper in the file was about a half-ghoul labeled as a success. Suzuya quickly read some of the notes:

_Day 1: New subject does not seem to have taken well to his transformation and is taking it out on us. He is weak for now so he poses no threat. We simply have to wait for him to desire eating above anything else._

_Day 5: He has of course succumb to his hunger and so we provided. Though as expected he still is not ok with being here. It will take time but I think this one has more promise than the others._

Suzuya skipped ahead, looking for more important information.

_Day 30: It seems that all half ghouls are destined to go mad as this one even has started to slide. I was hoping for something different. I had assumed that it may have just been certain subjects that were not strong enough (Kaneki Ken being my initial thought on this) but it must just be human physiology._

Suzuya continued to read, eyes darting back and forth across the page as quickly as he could.

_Day 52: This half-ghoul though unstable has proven to be exactly what I was looking for. His augmented strength even without being a half kakuja will be able to rival ghouls as strong as Kaneki Ken._

_Even though Kaneki ken is no more, I still wish to have a proper mechanism to ward off any threats as great as that in the future. That is what I tell those who know of this project, and it is part of the truth even though some doubt._

Part. Something in Suzuya made his gut turn when he read that. He knew it couldn’t mean anything good but nowhere was it elaborated on. Suzuya didn’t even have to read the signature at the bottom of the page to know these notes were Arima’s. They were so clinical and concise, and the handwriting matched as well.

Suzuya paled when he read the final note on the file.

_Day 152: Kaneki Ken has returned and with him took my second most successful Subject, Hideyoshi Nagachika. As a half ghoul his regenerative capabilities were phenomenal. History is repeating itself it seems and I really am surprised that Kaneki was able to take over his body in this way. I expected at worst Haise would remember but still desire to stay here but fate has it another way. For now I will continue to work with my current subject who has finally started to obey us. Our methods have paid off. Hopefully there will be more like him in the future, we could use such strong allies._

Suzuya knew these half-ghouls were not allies. Like Hide they would go insane and become volatile. And Suzuya knew that this life was like slavery, and that the after effects of the torture really never do go away.

With new intent Suzuya set the file back as close to how he found it as he could and he slipped back out of the hidden labs, and found himself for once walking with no pep in his step, no humming or whistling or even a smile. His face was set in a frown and his brow was creased as he thought. He wanted to tell someone about this, but he wasn’t sure who to trust. He knew at least Urie had been involved as Kaneki had killed him, and so he didn’t know if any of the other Quinx were in on this so he couldn’t tell them. And if he told anyone else in the CCG he was risking his own life and that was not something that he was willing to do.

Even if he didn't really want to admit it, he knew it was best to go to Kaneki, but for the time being he refused. He needed time to think things through. Without knowing how Kaneki would react to seeing him, a member of the CCG, the risks for the time outweighed the benefits. He would just observe for the next few weeks to come.

 

 


	11. AUTHORS NOTE (please read)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just an explanation of why I haven't been updating! Please read if you are still interested in this fic

_Hey everyone!_

_Just wanted to let everyone know why I haven't updated in just under 2 months. So For a while it was honestly just a lack of inspiration, then as TG:RE progressed i spawned a TON more ideas for this fic. I decided during November I would wait a while to continue this in order to learn more from :re and solidify my new ideas of where I'm going with things. hen December hit and I decided to do my 24 days of Christmas Haikyuu!! fics, and so those have taken over my life for this month. SO I wanted to give a major apology to those who read this And to affirm that NO I HAVEN"T ABANDONED THIS FIC. I love it too much and have too many plans (and the ending i have planned is so exciting for me so I need to write everything else to get there haha))._

_So bear with me as I struggle through college and stress, and be patient ^^. I will deliver another chapter sometime!_


	12. Ten (Welcome to the Masquerade)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide finally gets his own mask, and really it does suit him. But he cannot bring himself to look at it without feeling nauseous and having the voices in his head return. He knows all of this is wrong. He knows that he is slowly being ripped apart, but even knowing that doesn't make anything easier. 
> 
> While Hide struggles with his demons, Kaneki and Tsukiyama dig deeper into the mysteries of the CCG, but more questions than answers are raised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! I finally wrote it! And now I am actually back into the swing of this fic, and I cannot wait to write more.   
> find me on tumblr at kaneki-the-king

The night had passed as usual, night terrors haunting Hide as he tried to sleep, the voices still in his head, reminding him that things were not going to be ok. For kaneki, his night went the same as always. He sat awake into the late hours of the night, listening as Hide thrashed and whimpered in his sleep, but Kaneki could not draw him out of the night terrors. When Hide was still enough he would sit by his side, rubbing a hand on his shoulder or through his hair, hoping that somehow it was helping, though he doubted it. 

In the mornings neither of them would confront the other about it. Kaneki didn’t want Hide to think he was a burden to him, but Hide shared that same fear. He did not want Kaneki to feel like he had to baby him, or that Kaneki needed to try and fix him. As they sat down for a morning cup of coffee, the room silent as usual as they created the resolve to make it through another day, there was a knock at the door. 

“I got it!” Hinami shouted from the other room, shuffling to the door as she set down a pile of clothes. 

She swung the door open and Uta was standing outside the door, digging through the bag in his hand. When the door opened he looked up and offered Hinami a small smile. “Ah, how are you today, dear?” He asked as he stepped inside, taking his shoes off and looking around. 

“I am alright,” Hinami replied before starting to walk into the kitchen, “Kaneki and Hide are in here,” she added. 

“Good morning Kaneki, and hello Hide,” Uta said as he set down his bag and turned to the others. “I’m feeling a bit of nostalgia today. To get to make the mask for another half ghoul, how exciting.”

Kaneki didn’t say anything as a response, he simply nodded and hummed, waiting for Uta to move on. 

“Can I see it then?” Hide asked. 

“Of course, of course,” Uta muttered as he reached into his bag and pulled out the mask. “Unlike Kaneki’s, yours is a full face, rather than half. I feel like it will suit you quite well.” 

The mask was black leather like Kaneki’s, but on it were eight multifaceted eyes like a spider's,. The mouth was but a thin line that appeared to be stitched shut. It was quite the gruesome mask but yet Hide agreed, it did suit him. It was heavy in Hide’s hands as he lifted it up to inspect it closer. It was not only the weight of the mask in his hands.

“Thank you, Uta.” Hide returned to the mask to the table, starting to feel nauseous.

“Aren't you going to try it on, Hide?” Uta asked, staring intently at the blond without blinking.

“Maybe later,” Hide sounded distant, and he fidgeted with his hands, scratching at his arms. His skin felt like it was crawling again, and the sensation was getting worse, and it was getting worse quickly. 

Kaneki observed the behaviour that was so odd for Hide without saying a word. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up, and he knew it. But with each passing moment he feared more and more that he would miss his chance to keep Hide from truly losing it 

Or, maybe he already had. 

Kaneki did not want to think about that. 

The voices were louder again, but something was different about them. SOmething was darker. Hungrier. More vicious. Hide felt like whatever it was inside of him wanted to devour him, and he knew it could. He knew it could devour him too, if he let it. 

It wasn’t just how they felt that was wrong, but how they sounded. They were loud. Oh so very loud. 

A voice from the present drew his focus back enough that for a moment, things were quiet. 

“Hide, are you alright?” Uta repeated himself, though his voice didn’t seem to indicate any real concern. 

“Hmm, yeah,” Hide nodded, eyes drifting back to the mask sitting on the table, and he felt like the eyes in it were staring back at him. 

Uta smiled slightly at Hide when the other wasn’t paying attention, a smile that gave away amusement he wasn’t willing to speak about out loud. And Kaneki watched with a wary eye, waiting for Uta to leave. He needed time with Hide alone, but it seemed he wasn’t going to get that as Tsukiyama pulled him aside and Uta walked out the door. 

“Kaneki, something important has come to my attention” Tsukiyama scanned around the room like he was looking for someone lurking in the shadows. 

“What is it? Not much get’s you worked up like thi,” Kaneki was genuinely concerned. 

“There is another.” 

“What? Another what?” Kaneki presseed. 

“Another half ghoul.” 

“There is no way,” Kaneki refused to believe it. For is there was, the CCG had continued their experimentation, and Kaneki couldn’t bare to think about it. 

“Kaneki, I promise I’m not making this up. I found ghoul remains, slaughtered brutally. It seemed methodical almost the locations of the bodies. As if someone was practicing.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me this a few days ago?” Kaneki hissed. 

“Mostly because I didn’t know!” Tsukiyama defended himself. “And I did not want to jump to conclusions. Either way, I figured this out now.” 

“You think you figured it out, you mean.” 

“Kaneki-kun, I am confident that I am right. Please believe me?”

“What makes you think it's not…” Kaneki’s voice dropped quieter, “that it’s not just more of Hide’s kills.” 

“The smell, Kaneki. You know I notice things like that.”

Kaneki cringed. “Yes, yes I do. Ok fine, I will humor you and come with. I want to see this for myself.”

The duo quickly waved goodbye to Hinami and Banjou before heading out. Kaneki chewed his lip, pausing for a moment as he stood on the steps, debating if he should turn back and talk to Hide. He decided it was important to follow Tsukiyama, maybe that way he could figure out more information about what was really going on. He knew that Hide must have been experimented on for some reason, and if there was another half ghoul? Maybe he could dig more into this mystery. 

His feet felt heavy as he and Tsukiyama walked in silence, but he pushed forward. 

“Just a little further. It hasn’t gotten too close to where you and hide stay yet, so I do not think they are looking for you.” 

“What do you think they are looking for then?” 

“Like I said, the whole thing looks methodical. But what I didn’t want to say is that each corpse seems to be stronger and stronger ghouls. It seems like, it seems like they are training. Sadly I cannot show you the first corpses, they were cleared by CCG doves. The newer ones? Just moved aside where humans will not go for fear of ghouls, and then the bodies will be cleared later, under the cloak of darkness.” 

“This all seems somewhat far fetched.”

“Say that when you look at these corpses. here, just around the corner.” Tsukiyama led them into a darker alley, and Kaneki could feel and smell a ghoul hiding from them somewhere, but he ignored it. If whoever it was became a problem, they could deal with it then. 

“Back here” Tsukiyama dragged a body out from behind piled up junk. It was in tact enough that it was clear no acts of cannibalism had occurred. 

“Well, it isn’t Hide’s,” kaneki murmured. The smell was different. SImilar enough to clearly be a half ghoul, but this one didn’t seem to be made from Kaneki’s kakuhou. Kaneki did not want to admit that the lack of cannibalism is what truly made him think it wasn’t Hide’s. 

“See? I told you,” Tsukiyama sounded slightly smug before he cleared his throat and resumed being serious. “Now, I know you haven’t exactly been around to keep track of the ghouls around here, but please take my word for it that this one is the strongest one killed so far. I’ve been write about the rest of this, so please keep that in mind.”

“I apologize for doubting you,” Kaneki sounded distant as he stared at the mutilated body whose face had been split by a kagune, but he was being sincere. “I believe you on that. This just raises so many more questions than it answers.”

“I’m sorry, Kaneki-kun.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize,” Kaneki looked Tsukiyama in the eye as he spoke, making sure the taller ghoul was listening. “It isn't your fault, ok? Please don’t try and tell me none of this is my fault either. I can tell you were going to, you have never been terribly difficult to read, Tsukiyama. Some of this blood is on my hands. There are so many things I could have done different.”

“Kaneki-” 

“I wasn’t done,” Kaneki scolded before continuing. “But more doesn’t have to be. That is what I was going to say. This is one more clue for how I can change things. The more I know about what we are up against, the better I can handle things this time.”

Kaneki gently rubbed his chin as he continued. “This time, it will be ok.” 

Tsukiyama nodded, “Of course, Kaneki-kun.” But even he couldn’t be so sure. 

 

Hide had hoped Kaneki would come back to their room, but when his friend had not, he found himself curled up in the corner, head between his knees. Kaneki had left. Tsukiyama had left. Hinami had gone to speak with Ayoto. He had no idea if Banjou had left or not but the other man knew to stay out of their room, so he didn’t even bother to care. 

He was stuck fighting alone. 

No one was there for him. 

_ Why would they be?  _ The voice asked.

“Stop that!” Hide hissed, grabbing at his ears. 

_ Have you ever maybe thought you aren’t worth their time?  _ The voice was louder, and it was changing. 

“They care, they care, they care,” Hide chanted, a quiet mantra to himself. 

_ But you don’t care about me, Hide.  _ The voice. He finally recognized it. How could he not? It was the voice of a friend who he had cared deeply about through the years. A friend that he had tried to pull through depression. A friend who- 

_ Stop thinking! Just listen.  _ The voice murmured, somehow soothing. 

“No! You aren’t him!” 

_ Now now, don’t be ridiculous. How could you know if that was true.  _

“Because you are in my head, this is just...a hallucination,” his own voice didn’t even convince him that he believed what he was saying. 

_ You deserve this, you know. Of course you do don’t deny it. You left me when I was at my worst! And you knew it Hide!  _

That voice had grown less violent and more desperate as it spoke. 

_ You can’t even begin to understand my pain.  _

In his head Hide was able to see a figure before him, but the edges were blurred and it was too dark to make out any features. The black hair and eye patch strap pressing down some of the figures hair gave it away. 

_ You thought some texts were good enough? Just checking in on me was ok? You thought tracking me from a distance was good enough? Somehow you thought, that I would come seek you out. Did you know I wanted to kill myself then more than ever before? Yes Hide, I wanted to die. I want to die, Hide. _

The figure became clearer, but the hair shone slightly white in the dim lighting, and he could see Kagune moving behind the still mostly silhouette. Hide tried to speak, but his voice was a mere croaking sound.

_ I still want to. But I want everyone to like me first, Hide. No one really ever has. I doubt you ever did! Won’t it be amazing when I go? Maybe I can be a hero for once. Yes, a hero! It has a good ring to it.  _

“Stop this! Stop it!” Hide tried to scream but it came out a whisper. “I always wanted to be there for you. I always felt like I never could help enough, but yet I tried! Please stop this, stop stop stop!”

_ Hmm, maybe you do care. But maybe you shouldn't. Look where this has gotten you. You were a human, Hide. A happy one too. Now you’re a half ghoul. You are scum. Just like me. It doesn’t feel good to be like me does it. Depressed. Crazy. A murderer. Cannibal. Hunted. A ghoul. The stuff of nightmares that people tell their children about to scare them into doing the right thing. And look at you, you might even be worse than me. You prey on weak ghouls. Ghouls that barely can get enough to eat. They never laid a finger on you. You are worse than me, oh so much worse than me. I killed those who tortured me, who got in my way.  _

Kaneki could hear the sound of knuckles cracking and a quiet dark laugh followed. 

_ You know I’m here because to you I am like a virus. You hold so tight to me when it’s me who got you like this. It’s Kaneki who caused this.  _

The voice had started to become his own again, and Hide grew more terrified when he heard what it said. 

“No, I don’t blame him,” he assured himself, but his confidence was slipping rapidly. 

_ Hmm, whatever you say. But Hide, fix this for yourself, not for me, not for anyone else. You deserve it don't you? Of course you think you do. So become strong Hide. Become fucking strong. Because this time,  _ The figure reached up and rested it’s fingers against it’s chin,  _ it’s going to be ok, Hide.  _

For a brief moment he was able to see the figure clearly, and it was an exact image of his friend, and his eye was dark and face split into a terrifying grin. Then all went black. 


	13. Eleven (In This Dream We Can Never Find Peace)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide's dreams are growing worse, his reality is being blurred with his dreams, and slowly but surely he feels himself slipping. Suzuya finally tells Kaneki what is going on behind closed doors at the CCG, and it seems another hesitant alliance is forming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry so so so sorry for the long wait on this D:. I hope this makes up for it.

Something wasn’t right. Hide tried to move as he awoke, but found his arms and legs to be immobilized. By what he could not figure out, but then where he was came back to him. He settled his struggle, and tried to even his breathing. He had tried so many time before, and he knew that he didn’t have the strength to escape. 

_ Don’t have the strength?  _ Hide thought to himself. He was sure that he did. Hadn’t more time passed? Something….what was it. 

Suddenly whatever was restraining him released, and he found himself crumpling to the floor. When he hit he started to cough, jostled and shaken up. 

“Good morning, Hide,” the voice was quiet, it felt distant, unreal. “Did you enjoy your rest?”

Hide said nothing, but his muscles ached, he could barely keep his eyes open, and his limbs felt heavy. It was if he hadn’t slept in ages, though he had just woken up from some sort of slumber, or at least he thought he had. 

“You need to become stronger Hide.” 

Hide blinked, trying to focus on who was speaking but he could not make out who was there. He knew someone else was in the room with him, but yet he could not seem to see anyone else there. Was this in his head again? He could barely separate reality from dreams and hallucinations anymore. 

“Let me introduce you to some other ghouls,” the voice spoke so smooth and calm, and Hide could hear the smugness swimming in it. “I want to see how you handle this.”

Hide pulled himself up to his feet and his body felt heavy, like he was dragging it like some sort of puppet on strings. He felt like he was controlling his body from a distance.

_ Something...what is it.  _ Hide’s mind spun as he tried to pinpoint that fleeting something in his mind telling him what was really happening.  _ I think I’ve been here before. I think...I think.  _

He was snapped out of it as the feral ghouls were let into the room, half starved and barely themselves anymore. Hide would never know what the CCG was doing to them, but with the hell they were putting him through his guesses couldn’t be too far off. 

When one lunged at him and he dodged, he felt the unhealed wounds on his back and sides stretch and tear, fresh blood seeping through the wounds and into his clothes. The scent seemed to spur the ghouls on and as Hide continued to dodge, his pain grew worse and worse. 

He continued to slow. 

His old wounds continued to bleed. 

He felt even more distant. 

And as he slowed the ghouls were able to injure him more and more. 

“Just fight back Hide.” The voice was one he did not recognize. 

_ No no, this isn’t right. Where should I be. It isn’t here. I had gotten out of here. Which is real, which is false, which...which...what was I thinking. _

He nearly screamed when a Kagune pierced through his thigh. 

“I refuse to fight back. I am not one of them! I am no killer! No matter what you do that will not be me. I won’t succumb to this. I didn’t ask for this! I am no monster. I refuse to stop being human.”

“You lost that choice Hide, and if you keep saying that and don’t fight back, you will just end up dead. What if I said if you listen to me, you will get to see those you care about again?” Hide still couldn’t place the voice, but it sounded closer, more real this time. 

“Why would I believe you! With what you people have done to me?” Another time a kagune came in contact with his arm, opening up another gash. “You starve me, and experiment on me! I’ve heard you when you think I am not awake. Yours plans. I know you don’t intend to release me. What reason would I have to trust you.”

“You don’t have a reason. But you know I am the only one who could save you. Right now you are too weak to even help yourself.” 

It was then that Hide felt his control snap and the sound of tearing flesh and clothes echoed through the room as his kagune released, red as blood and thrashing behind him. Like many times before his instincts took over, and he was able to defend himself, but he always took it one step further than he intended. 

_ But why do I have these instincts?  _

He felt bones snap in his grasp and he stepped back with a gasp. He stared down at his hands that were bloodied, and very little of it his own. He didn’t even want to look at what lay on the ground before him. 

_ Hide.  _

That voice. It was in his head, but it wasn’t his own. 

_ Not again.  _ He could not tell what was real; the voices, the torture, the room around him. What was a hallucination, what was real. When was he dreaming, when was he awake. 

_ Hide.  _ It was louder. He could have sworn it was Kaneki. 

“Hide!” Hide awoke with a start, and found Kaneki kneeling next to where he had collapsed on the floor, shaking his shoulders and eyes wide in fear. 

“Hide you were shaking and sweating and I couldn’t wake you up. You were mumbling something too. I have seen your night terrors before, but nothing this bad. Hide, are you ok.” 

Hide lifted his hands and looked at them, still clammy and shaking. 

“Yes, I’m ok,” Hide’s voice was quiet and unsure, shaking as much as he was. He cleared his throat before he continued speaking, trying to even out his voice. “I just need to shake it off. It’s just a nightmare, nothing more.”

Kaneki almost started to speak, but again decided now was not the time to try and confront this. He worried he was pushing it another day close to too late. And what if he did wait too long? What tragedy would become his fault this time? Would it be because of him that he lost Hide? Would he fail again? Kaneki kept himself from scowling when he realized his thoughts were becoming selfish, drifting from concern about his friends to about himself. 

Hide must have noticed Kaneki grow tense, because he rubbed a hand on his friends back to try and make him relax. 

“Hide, why is it you trying to comfort me now. I… I’m not the one who needs it.” Kaneki was quiet and he stared off out the window. 

Hide shrugged slightly, only half paying attention to what he was doing. “I just wanted to remind you that...that...things will be ok,” his words were stilted and empty. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. I promise.” 

“Hide,” Kaneki actually turned to his friend, and when he looked into Hide’s eyes the distance in them scared him. They seemed empty and did not shine. He wasn’t sure but he could have sworn that he saw dark veins dancing beneath the skin around his eye, threatening to overtake his skin at any moment. “Hide, are you sure you don’t want to talk to me about this?” His voice threatened to crack as Hide stood up to pull a jacket on. 

“Like I said, I’m ok,” he turned to Kaneki and flashed a smile, and though the skin next to his eyes crinkled like it always did when he laughed, the smile never made it to his eyes. “I just need some air, ok? It’ll help me calm down.” 

“Alright, Hide,” Kaneki whispered as Hide walked out the door, and Kaneki made no move to try and stop him. He couldn’t, he knew that. He knew Hide needed time, but he feared what would happen if he gave him time, what would become of his friend who once always laughed and smiled even through his struggles. 

Kaneki buried his face in his hands and wanted to scream.  

_ Useless _ , he thought to himself.  _ Always so useless.  _

He hadn’t noticed that Hide had taken his mask with him. He hadn’t bothered to even tell the others hide had left, and all he could bring himself to think was  _ oh well _ . 

 

Suzuya had been watching again, a few papers rolled up and jammed in his back pocket as he crouched on a neighboring roof. Hide had been far too pre-occupied pulling his mask on and muttering something to himself to even notice Suzuya’s presence, so the CCG member didn’t even have to really hide. Suzuya pulled the papers out of his pocket and stared down at them, debating if it was right to give these to Kaneki. If he were to be found out, there was no way he was going to end up alive after dealing with Arima. So he had to be careful that none of this leaked to the CCG. If Kaneki reacted before he could hand the papers over, he would end up dead that way, and he knew that there was no way Kaneki would make it an easy death were he to decide to kill him. Suzuya had no real safe option unless he decided to just pretend he saw nothing and continue to be a puppet to the CCG. 

That was an option he had decided to throw out the window so with a deep breath and a quick slap to his own face to set his resolve, he clambered down and perched outside of Kaneki’s window. He gave a quick succession of knocks on the glass, and watched as Kaneki’s kagune pierced his skin and his kakugan blossom. Suzuya couldn’t help but jump back slightly in terror, and he considered running then. He knew that he was fast, but with Kaneki he knew he would be caught. 

When kaneki saw it was Suzuya outside of his window, a momentary look of surprise combined with understanding flashed across his eyes and he calmed down, but still remained ready to attack if he had to as he opened up the window. Suzuya didn’t come through yet and waited for Kaneki to speak. 

“What are you doing here?” Kaneki’s voice was not malicious but rather genuinely curious. 

“I needed to tell you something. It involves Hide.”

Kaneki’s eyes grew wide and he moved out of the way so Suzuya could enter the room through the window. 

“Thank you,” Suzuya said quickly. “I’ve been watching you guys, and started to dig into CCG records to look for any information as to what was going on with Hide that I could. And I found these records of what Arima and some others did to him.” Suzuya handed over the somewhat crumpled papers which Kaneki unrolled and started to read. The half-ghouls eyes seemed to have fires burning in them as he was filled with rage from what he read on the paper. Things were worse than he had realized and he couldn’t even finish reading the papers at the moment, and he tossed them to the side as not to destroy them in his anger.  

“Why did you decide to show me this? I know you weren’t involved. I could have guessed as much just from your actions, and the notes clarify that so I don’t even have to guess. I’m just honestly curious why you are choosing to betray the CCG. I know that you have friends there.”

“So do you, Kaneki,” Suzuya reminded him. 

That was when Kaneki finally withdrew his kagune and let down his defenses. Despite the CCG being the enemy to him, he did still care for some of the people he had worked with, and he still did care if he was being honest with himself. 

“That’s why I came to you. You should know what's going on. What happened with Hide barely scratches the surface. Kaneki, there are more of these half ghouls. One escaped at some point and no one is sure where he went, and another that has been deemed what Arima calls a ‘perfect subject’. And lately Arima has been even more absorbed in this project. I know he has been experimenting even more, but I’m not sure if he has been successful. Hai- uh, Kaneki, I don’t know the full extent of what he is doing but it’s not good.”

Kaneki sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his temples as he felt a headache coming on. “I knew things were bad, but I didn’t know how bad.” 

“It’s going to be ok Kaneki, you can handle this.” 

Kaneki looked up and his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “No Suzuya, it’s not ok, it won’t be ok.” His voice was broken and choked and Suzuya had never seen the half ghoul like this at any point while he was Haise working with the CCG. And it filled him with fear. 

It was then Tsukiyama knocked on the door twice before opening it, saying something to Hinami over his shoulder. When he saw Suzuya, his reaction was the Same as Kaneki’s, and Suzuya felt himself recoil back slightly in fear for he had come unarmed, and if Tsukiyama did anything he was defenseless. 

“Wait, Tsukiyama, stop that!” Kaneki warned his companion and Tsukiyama took a step back looking confused, but didn’t retract his Kagune. 

“What is he doing here?” Tsukiyama sounded wary. 

“He was giving me some information about what happened to Hide and plans the CCG has.”

“Why would he give you that unless he had an ulterior motive?”

“Sometimes, Tsukiyama, loyalties change and are not as clear as they seem. You choose to trust Kaneki despite the past, Kaneki chose to let me in here and listen to me, you guys are now choosing to have a shaky alliance with Aogiri even though I know that one will not last long, and none of these make any sense do they? But yet, look where we are.”

Tsukiyama scowled, “But what if you are armed?” 

Suzuya opened up his jacket and showed that he had none of his knives or any other weapons on him. “See? Clean.”

Tsukiyama let his guard down and after retracting his Kagune he looked at his ripped shirt in dismay. “Kaneki-kun, I loved this shirt.”

“Worry about it later, we have a lot to talk about.”


	14. Twelve (A Shell of a Man)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzuya continued to discuss whats going on in the CCG with Kaneki and Tsukiyama, while Hide is out battling his own inner demons, and Hide barely can tell reality from his hallucinations anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so sorry for the massive break between chapters. I honestly wish I could get things written faster but my life is so hectic D:.

**“** I cannot believe this,” Tsukiyama muttered as he flipped through the papers that Suzuya had brought with him. 

“Well, I couldn’t either at first. I saw all of it first hand, and I know it’s real.” Suzuya seemed to grow more pale than usual as he thought about it. “Honestly, it’s more terrifying in person.” 

“When did all of this start?” Kaneki questioned. 

“I don’t know.” 

Tsukiyama tensed again, assuming that Suzuya was lying. 

“Tsukiyama, I have no reason to lie to you. The fact I even came here in the first place should make it clear who I am siding with. If you chose not to trust me, I do understand. In your place I would have already either killed me, or driven me out onto the street. But unless you plan on doing that, just take  breath, relax, and listen ok?”

Tsukiyama muttered something to himself that neither of the others could make out, but they didn’t bother to try. 

“How far along in this project does it seem like Arima is?” Kaneki continued to question. 

“It looks like that besides Hide, there are two other successes. One that went rogue, and the other that hasn’t, though I am not sure where that one is.”

“Arima stated that the one still at the CCG is obeying them…” Kaneki trailed off. 

“Yes. That means he may have a lethal and brainless beast at this point.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Tsukiyama stated flatly. 

“What do you mean?” Suzuya tipped his head as he listened. 

“He thinks he does, that is all. Even with Kaneki, who he thought he had completely changed, is here with us again. Arima can only speculate.” Tsukiyama looked like he wanted to say something else, but Kaneki interrupted him. 

“Think about how long I was there, Tsukiyama,” Kaneki snapped. “Even in a fraction of that time, if Arima’s experiments keep working out, he could do a ton of damage.” Kaneki stood and started to pace. “The only reason he gave for doing these experiments was that it is to ‘ward off threats’ like myself. I don’t buy it.”

“I think to him, that is at least part of the reason,” Suzuya stated. “That does not mean that there aren’t other reasons though.”  
“He most likely enjoys doing these experiments too,” Tsukiyama scowled. 

Suzuya could feel their air thick with tension as they spoke. Tsukiyama and Kaneki were both ready to snap, and it made the airs on the back of Suzuya’s neck rise. He didn’t want to seem on edge around them, but it was hard when his previous encounters with the ghoul and the half ghoul were mostly of a negative nature. Even though he knew that Kaneki and Tsukiyama were working with him, he couldn’t fully shake his deep set fears. He wanted, no needed, to come across as trustworthy so they would trust him. Not because he planned on betraying them later, but because he wanted people that he could rely on. The CCG did not offer him that anymore. 

“I wouldn’t doubt that, but that really isn’t what matters,” Suzuya took the stack of papers from Tsukiyama and set them off to the side. “I know Arima has some reason that he is so intent on eliminating ghouls. Kaneki, I don’t know all of what he let you see in him, but he is out there like a reaper trying to collect the lives of as many ghouls as possible. He’s not just there to protect citizens from ghouls.” 

Suzuya saw Kaneki tense. “We have as much to fear as the rest of the citizens, with the way the CCG behaves,” Kaneki looked Suzuya in the eye as he spoke, his voice level but on edge. 

“I never implied you didn’t. But you know full well that there are ghouls out there devouring and slaughtering. First hand you knew Rize and knew she was going to kill you. Don’t you think that something like that, people need to be protected from? Not all ghouls look for suicide victims or sustain through cannibalism.” Suzuya noted after the words fell from his mouth how accusatory that sounded, and was already about to retract his words when Kaneki sighed. 

“You're right,” Kaneki said quietly. “Not everyone is a monster like me.” 

 

Hide scratched the point where his mask made contact with his neck, the foreign object reminding him just what he was. Now his face was made to look like a monster, which seemed fitting to Hide. He reached up to scratch an itch that seemed to be coming from inside of his skin when a rustling caught his attention. At first he thought it was just another hallucination, though he wasn’t truly sure what was hallucinations anymore, and what was real. Or maybe, it was a dream.

He couldn’t be sure. 

Once he took another step forward the rustling got louder and Hide with some certainty thought it was coming from around the corner. He pulled his hood up, casting a shadow over his face, making the mask look even more eerie. He stepped as quietly as he could to peer around the corner. He didn’t even recoil when he caught sight on the ghoul body on the ground, entrails pulled out and spread on the ground, face barely recognizable anymore, remnants of it’s kagune that had not been eaten splayed out under the corpse.

He had left enough bodies like that behind. 

He didn’t even feel sympathy for the victim. 

_ Monster.  _ It was that voice again. The one that sounded so much like Kaneki. 

_ You are just like that.  _

Hide shook his head, but it was without conviction. He couldn’t deny it. 

As the wind brought blew towards Hide, he was able to identify that one of the smells lingering in the alley was a half ghoul. His eyes grew wide as he pulled back and kept his back pressed against the wall. 

_ Why did I notice sooner,  _ Hide thought to himself, suddenly terrified.  _ I should have recognized her.  _

His nostrils flared as he exhaled, trying to think of how to leave without being seen. He knew the other ghoul from the experiments at the CCG, but he never knew her name, just the dehumanizing number that he had been told. 

_ Do you deserve more than a number?  _ The voice cooed before slipping into laughter. 

No, the laughter came from somewhere else. 

Hide spun as he felt a rush of air behind him, and found himself knocked flat to the ground below the other ghoul. The other ghoul cackled as she stared down at hide, blood spattered across her cheeks and running down her neck. She left bloody handprints behind on Hide’s sweatshirt. 

At least he had worn red this time. 

“Aren’t you gonna put up some sorta fight?” The other half ghoul swayed back and forth as she spoke in a sing song tone. “Do you still think you’re ‘strong enough’ to not hurt anyone?” She broke into laughter that nearly sounded like shrieks and screams. “You always said you were above that but,” she leaned down and with a grin said, “I know you aren’t”. 

She leapt back as Hide lunged up from the ground, Kagune releasing as he got back on his feet. 

“Oh not quite there yet, too bad,” the female ghoul seemed let down but recovered quickly. “Even if you don’t have yours yet, I can show you mine.”

There were cracking and tearing sounds as the ghoul released a partial Kakuja. It came up like plates of armor against her neck, protecting it from blows, and formed over her face in something like a helmet with a protrusion from the front, much like a beak. Her Kakuja was almost like armor down her back as well, but it didn’t seem complete anywhere else. Out from her back fanned what looked like hooks, but they were mobile, like wicked spears. 

“Isn’t it incredible?” She cocked her head to the side and strode towards Hide, where he stayed still, Kagune motionless behind him. He felt like he wasn’t really there. 

It was as if he had become a spectator in his own life. 

Maybe this was just a dream. 

If he closed his eyes, maybe the pain would end. 

A searing pain tore through his arm as one of the spear like Kagune ripped through his arm, but he did not scream. It wasn’t like he hadn’t handled much worse before. 

He jumped back from her, knowing that this time he might be outmatched with her in a partial Kakuja. Not even thinking straight was going to make a fight with the female ghoul go well for him. 

_ You’ll be just like her soon.  _ Kaneki’s voice.  _ Just like me.  _ The voice held a lilting mocking quality.  _ Just a monster.  _

“A monster like me,” The ghoul giggled to herself before lunging after Hide, Kagune ready to tear flesh from bone. 

He kept them on the move as they fought, trying to drag her into a corner where her larger partial kakuja would not be as easy to fight with. He wanted to cripple her, so he had some sort of chance. Eventually he got them to a corner with an overhang above them. 

“Just like a spider,” Hide sung quietly, “I’ll lead you into a web. And in a web is where a spider preys.” His smile was not visible much behind the mask, but his eyes reflected the crazed smile. 

“A baby spider can’t overwhelm me,” the female ghoul stated, eyes darting back and forth as she decided how she would get away quickly. She wasn’t afraid, she just wanted to observe Hide change, and she couldn’t very well do that if Hide was able to injure her too much. “I will find you again once you grow.”

She was able to get past Hide with heightened reflexes, and Hide only managed to snag one branch of the Kagune, tearing it off from the root. It would regrow so she paid it no mind. 

Hide watched as she left but didn’t bother to follow. He didn’t see a point. Instead, Hide looked down at the flesh in his hands and sat down to eat his meal. 

 

Arima scowled as he took his glasses off and wiped them clean. There was no way that what he thought was happening could be already. He put the glasses back on.

Then took them off. 

And he repeated the process. 

The world was blurry either way.  

He slammed his fist down on the desk sending papers scattering everywhere. They fluttered to the ground slowly and Arima paid no mind as he stepped on them when he stood up fast enough to knock his chair over. It hit the floor with a reverberating bang, in the mostly silent room it was almost like a gunshot. His footsteps echoed as he paced. 

He re-read, and re-read again his notes on his experiments, trying to focus on his progress. He tried to ignore the failures, the loss of resources. He needed more subjects, but was nearly out of options. Hide was going to be his best success, had he not escaped. One success wasn’t enough. Three escaping was unacceptable. The success rate was below what he had expected. He thought the results would be better than with the Quinx, but things were going even worse now. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath.  

He needed more of these manufactured half ghouls. He would figure out where to collect more subjects. 


End file.
